unsolvable.

how can it be solved?

wow.

avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), also known as anxious personality disorder, is a Cluster C personality disorder recognized as afflicting persons when they display a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.

Individuals afflicted with the disorder tend to describe themselves as ill at ease, anxious, lonely, and generally feel unwanted and isolated from others.

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated,rejected, or disliked.

Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood.Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection (e.g., bullying) are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.

People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected.

Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others. They often view themselves with contempt, while showing an increased inability to identify traits within themselves which are generally considered as positive within their societies.

Childhood emotional neglect—in particular, the rejection of a child by one or both parents—has been associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD, as well as rejection by peers.

Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low self-esteem
Self-loathing
Mistrust of others
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
Feeling inferior to others
In some extreme cases, agoraphobia
Uses fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

emo.kid.forever.

battered
it's funny how I started in 2010 going to work with such confidence, gusto and big talk of how I will be super awesome at the workplace and how I will shine so bright for Christ etc etc etc... Fast forward to 2014 and I wish now I could eat those stupid words and perhaps travel back in time to advice me then not to be so happy and optimistic about my road ahead. It's been 4 years of experience and I think I have grown to accept the fact that I am not made for the corporate world and I neither will ever have the slick skills and talents of any sorts to boast in the office. I am a battered fighter who is currently staring defeat in the face, and accepting her now as a part of my life. I seem to make everything fail.
doubt
how can I be a light in the office when I have grown to just disdain and even hate every single being here in this building. I am the wrong man for the job and perhaps just living a life that I am not supposed to. I look at this corporate entity now as an enemy who has also mistreated me. Maybe if I didn't change myself to be modeled after the world, I would have turned out differently. Maybe my life is just one big regret when I look back at it. Maybe Jesus also would tell me the same, like, why didn't you do this? or why didn't you do that? Maybe I have failed?
despair
this world that I live it just sucks so bad. everything about it is fading to meaninglessness. What's the point of being happy for awhile? or working so hard? It is all meaningless. There is no point to anything. I just need to huddle in a safe place and wait till I die. The meaning of life is Christ. This has been taught to me since day 1. But no one in this world seems to believe this meaning. Instead of sucking them into Christ, I feel sucked into the world. I would love to have riches, power, beauty and all that the world has to offer. Therefore, I hate myself.

not.forgotten.

by my God because of His Son.
I don't think God abandoned me, He just wants me to abandon everything else in order to find Him.

have you ever felt.

so injustified?
the feeling hurts... yet I now got a glimpse of how You felt when You were hanging there and got labelled as a criminal. Even more so, in breathtaking fashion, You said, 'FORGIVE THEM'.

My God...

,

its monday again and I feel dread:/
guess I deserve to be reprimanded and scolded at. But in my heart of hearts, I will learn (eventually) that I am not defined by all my weaknesses and shortcomings. I will learn to live justified by God, not because of me, or any wonderful actions that I had done, but because of God's initiating love, and what Jesus had done for me.
it's going to be a tough lesson, especially when its a struggle trying to do activities without being bogged by a loser thought-life. But its time to get out of the corner. I don't really think Jesus wants me there anyway. I should not think of myself as a loser. There are also loads of people that need help, I think I could also be of service.

oh my, look at the time, I need to try to close my eyes, I need to sleep.

Your.Glory.in.my.disparity

I feel like I'm gonna break down. I feel really sad...

I want to be all for Jesus and nothing else. God please remember your son- I stand, live and breath, all for Your glory's sake- even in my down time, even in my anger and even in dissatisfaction,
You are still Lord of this circumstance. Let your glory be known in my life even in such times cos
You are BIGGER than all of this.

Whatever the period, whatever the season, let me just live under your grace, your care and your providence...

Son, out.