stone

sorry for being passionless. please help me in my life.
I'm held by You, only You. Nothing in this world is secure.

till I see you face to face and grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you

need running shoes!
it might help me remember how to run
I can't run.

reminiscing great times

I wanna go for another awesome Hillsong conference!!!!

Tuesday (video blog):


Wednesday (video blog):


Friday (whole conference highlight):


Chris Tomlin's 'How great is our God' after Louie Giglio's sermon:

note to self

MUST remember Lav's birthday

All of the Above

Devotion - Hillsong United

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
That we are redeemed
Unbelieving trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
I take up my cross and follow you Lord

When you stand the tall trees and mountains bow
When you speak the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

I'm forgiven, my savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
I'm delivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the savior who gave his live
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow you Lord

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

----

music is so powerful

euphoria

so many hours of study put into this subject.

entrepreneurial finance... over! oh the elation

that's 1/2 the exams gone.

-----

they were going to kill her? oh how could they do that? to someone so beautiful
"how do I get to the courts?" I kept shouting to my friend
I needed to get there, to see her one last time...

thank god, I did. an embrace. a farewell. an exchange of words.
"I love you and goodbye"
she gave me her final possessions before departing forever:
3 $100 dollar notes
1 $10 note
2 handphones
1 note

she is gone, and I will never see her again

studying?

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

we need people

'are you hot?'
I'll always ask Matt whenever I'm sitting with him, and he'll always give an answer in relation to meteorological factors forgetting that the ques also poses a double meaning along the egoistic side. Well, its good fun and everyone ends up laughing in the end.
other more crude questions include "do you like sax?" [-a-phone] or "where's your g-string?" [when one is playing a guitar]

but tonight, he asked me the same thing, flipping the question around:
Matthew says:
you know how your fav phrase is are you hot? it gets me thinking are you hot for someone...
jem says:
huh? why r u thinking so deep?
jem says:
ok wait. matt = hot...but, -1 for being accountant (nerd), -1 for being pastor's son, -1 for wearing glasses, -1 for not being able to touch toes, -1 for thinking too deep.
jem says:
thus, matt = nerd
...
...
...
jem says:
well, your ques was am i hot for someone?
jem says:
i like to say im hot for God, but assignments and now study seems to just take my mind off him alot and just seem so stuck into it
Matthew says:
what a wise answer

and with that, he continued on and gave me a great deal of encouragement.
...
...
Matthew says:
its easy to get engrossed in other stuff that just crowds God out of it
Matthew says:
me included
Matthew says:
taht's why we need to fellowship with other faithfilled bros and sisters! cause iron sharpens iron

at the moment, I'm at zero passion and my mind is just racing, always worrying about circumstances.
but in the words of Matt "why go it alone when God has given you friends to help you thru"

how true.

defeat

stayed up till 3am to do an assignment- thought I take a quick 1.5hr nap before waking up for the euro finals, but I never heard the alarm go off (must've been too tired). CRAPPPP.
missed the match live ! what kind of fan am I.

so what did I do?
basically shut myself out from the world. covered my ears every time I heard something about the game. didnt go on the internet (only UNI email). didnt touch the tele... till it was time for the 2nd telecast to be screened.

gosh, we lost. I only knew the pain 10hours later.

--
exams are coming up, please pray for me.

the last monday of 7hr non-stop classes

and with that, the last monday of the sem is over. The last time I'll go for a monday packed with 7 hours of classes non-stop (10-5pm) and getting finance bashed. As for meals, managed to squeeze sushi and doughnuts into e 15min lect intervals, so it was pretty good fun, but tiring nonetheless, when the day's finally over.

week 12 already!!!!
gosh... flying.

and 10 more days to official winter. sigh, The weather's just took a turn the past week from beautiful sunny to harsh cold. I don't like winter. Freeze

being Christian

on thurs, I saved this girl on the tram- she was beside me and we were both standing when suddenly the tram just jerked to a halt (wat lousy driver). she lost her balance and fell. As she was falling, I stuck out my arms and she fell right on them! so I caught her and brought her up nicely. Score.

need to RemembeR

downgraded my plan from $33 to $29 (which gives me only $24 call credit)
makes my call fees rise by 0.1cents
got 100 free SMSes
got roll-over
got $8 extra credit (which gives a total call credit of $32)

credits get spent first, then the rollover then the extra credits.
if I need to terminate the plan, I will have to downgrade the number from a plan to a prepaid
or I could transfer ownership to anyone else. RREMEMBERR


was preparing for bible study on Friday until that optus lady barged into my life with a call to address my expiring plan- that stripped off a cool 1/2 an hour.

preparing for bible study is like research. quite fun at times. It makes it easier that my cell follows a biblestudy guide (albeit a crappy one accordin to my boss, ahahaha), that the leader can follow to lead the discussion.
"Who is in control", "Why does God allow suffering", "Why do the wicked prosper". Gosh, the more I delve into the topic, the more insight I get, asking more questions. Anticipating a bible/discussion bashing session. I'm sure of this, cos I Do Not have all the answers...
Look God, at the end of the day, you're DA Man. nothing changes that.

NO sleep

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I couldn't sleep last night! ! !
watched 'the machinist' and it made me toss in bed all night, gripped in fear and thoughts.
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.
its one of those those disturbing thriller movies, very similar to fight club (or 'the number 23', if you've watched it recently). how one man's insomnia and guilt warps reality... makes everything so creepy
I found it so friggin disturbing!!

thank God I wasn't a goner when I went to church this morning (in the show, the guy didn't sleep for 1 whole year, is that even possible man)

but Christian Bale is seriously da man. He lost soo much weight just for that role in the film (like 62 pound loss to 121 pounds) and had to gain it back in a couple of months to get the part of Batman. what an insane actor.

anyways, its another monday tomorrow and once again, DECLARING it a VICTORIOUS week in God.

machinist... gosh
peace OUT

bashed ;|

3 hours of Entrepreneurial finance = uni bashed, its no wonder i find mondays so hard
(mondays = slam day, understanddd??)

oh man, did i make a mistake?? EntrepFinance is friggin hard.

amazing grace

"My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace"

thank you God!!
for grace and saving one so undeserving
help me to love You more.
I declare another victorious week ahead in your name, striving to just live it for You

Lionel Messi ! ! !

Barcelona 2-0 Getafe Messi Goal
Uploaded by chalermwech

He wants my all...

how much do you love Me? The answer must be ALL
Love me with ALL of you.
Cleansing me once again- a new creation, the old has gone. Remember this when turning to the old ways. You're a NEW creation, the old is GONE.
Love me with ALL

He speaks.

off color

came home from church today and simply crashed... total blackout!
really, really hoped that I didn't screw up drumming- that we managed to facilitate God's people into worship, cos at the end of the day...

sigh, I pray once again, asking God to draw me closer to Him... always drawing me to Him
found a song:
"here in your courts
where I'm close to your throne
I've found where I belong"
there's no where else I want to be.
I LOVE you God, I LOVE you God, I love you God. teach me to LOVE you even MORE.

...
felt so angry w myself for cutting my hair... its so crap. Talking to Matt about my fuss, he told me to take comfort that he's bald...
Jem: do you wear a cap?
Matt: sometimes. mostly no.. i just wear my confidence.hahaha

booya

....
there's quite a number of assignments due this week. I'm especially worried about our presentation tomorrow... really hope my group does well. urgh, finance, I dread it, yet every year I choose to do it. It's a love-hate relationship
God, please help to in my work.

it's the second half of semester one, and in confidence, I proclaim it to be a GREAT period. He's with me, always.

sigh sigh

just the worst today....

zero love, zero passion just wont get me past a monday.
I need more!!!

why does it have to get dark so early
sigh sigh sigh

To live is Christ....


Never Give Up

God, please help me

No one, or nothing else can

gui ji

zen me yin cang wo de bei shang
shi qu ni de di fang
ni de fa xiang san de cong mang
wo yi jing gen bu shang

bi shang yan jing hai neng kan jian
ni li qu de hen ji
zai yue guang xia yi zhi zhao xun
na xiang nian de shen ying

ru guo shuo fen shou shi ku tong de qi dian
na zai zhong dian zhi qian wo yuan yi zai ai yi bian
xiang yao dui ni shuo de bu gan shuo de ai
hui bu hui you ren ke yi ming bai

wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wang ji ni
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
xiang zhe na yi tian hui you ren dai ti
rang wo bu zai xiang nian ni
wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wei wei xiao
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
you xiang le yi bian ni wen rou de lian
zai wo wang ji zhi qian

xin li de yan lei mo hu le shi xian
ni yi kuai kan bu jian

laugh out loud

I HAVE Internet!!!

no more late nights with my good fren the china man!

it came in a parcel... packaged. A gift from the God! (purposely left out the 's' although it sounds better with it)
yayyyy

I HAVE a landline!

...and soon to have ADSL connected at my home (oooh yea! x2)
its about time man, service in Australia Crawlss.

mondays are horrible- 7 hours of lessons non-stop. I've started lunching in the lecture hall itself. chomping on my sandwich in the midst of younger peers, I've realized how far I've come. Behold, I, an ancient dinosaur year 5 student! [yikes] getting old man...

Man, everyone's so hard working! I need to click into student mode.
... school's barely started and here I am thinking about easter, holidays and the trip to Sydney. urgh, slap. I think I've been in here for too long.

Update

uni's began, which is finally about time. My brain's in total chaos, studying once again will be a task. Well, the only hard subject looks like entrepreneurial finance which seems to have a fair bit of math, formulas, theories and number crunchin, but hey, I've been there, done that... Others like entrepreneurial ventures, product and brand management (a prev NUS lecturer) and HR management seem pretty alright.

I stayed till 12am at my fac on monday just to use the internet, which gives me nerd status already for being a rare breed of student who stays at uni till wee hours on the very first day of school. Other titles and expressions I got about this matter via msn were 'mad' 'crazy person' and 'what da heckkk???'.
a 2nd year dude who helped me setup my wireless connection whilst I was there was going like 'woah, don't worry, when I was in First Year, I was also very blur about this sorta thing, you'll get to know all these things after awhile... what year are you in by the way?' woah lao eh, dude, I'm like 5th year man, super old and veteran already. He must be like "what the heck?!?! this guy's 5th year and still so blur", but no, he's a china man, so that phrase will probably be in chinese: "na ge ren yi jing study 5 nian le, hai shi na me blur, shi zai wu yao ke qiu[fit any cheng yu here]"

sigh, I'll never be accustomed to live in 2 places. Its really really strange how I can leave Singapore feeling so SAD when I was like so keen to come back here in the first place. Leaving Melbourne to Singapore=SAD, leaving Singapore to Melbourne=SAD. arrrrrrrgggghhhh. why why why
only God can make sense of these sort of situations. I mean, as humans, its quite hard to understand why he allows us to disconnect with people at a time when we wish they'd be able to be with us. Be it going overseas, breakups, separation etc. But, He sees the bigger picture of it all. We may feel disheartened and sad about the situation, of course. It's only normal. But he wants us to put our faith on him, knowing that he'd guide us on to a brighter future, even though everything around seems bleak and somewhat impossible. Now this is the extra step we must take, on top of that sadness and separation. As I kept pursuing him in prayer, his assurance to me was found in Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It's his promise to me now and I'll cling onto to it forever...

same story once again, I've been SICK and RECOVERING. usual usual usual!!! Always sick, and always in the midst of recovering, before getting into another virus attack yet again.

and I still do not have an internet connection...yet.

LAVINIA, COME TO MELBOURNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've got NO internet

for now....

currently at ICT bulding (my faculty), leeching off its wireless connection. It's getting late... won't be long now... before the security dude's gonna chase me out.

oh, Hello world, I'm fine!! sorry Sa TAN, I'll overcome.

Weather's been hot, I've got diahorrea and sore throat. I think it was frm yesterday's food at the dodgy footscray road stalls.
It was great though, there was still the feel of CNY festvity at the fair, despite leaving home.

when going down, its the people around you that bring you back up. Thanks so much.

couple more days...

soon, I'll be leaving again...

irrational hopelessness.
some fear.
clinging to the past as one does not dare face the future.

please help me to psych my body up into a proactive mode. I need that push, that extra thrust... my energy levels are far too low.

packing early is never possible. My room's in a state of chaos. Objects everywhere, all waiting to be attended to.

but hey, I've done this so many times already.



CNY was so late this year! Thank God I'm always around for it. It was great. I Love my cousins. Now to get my hands on those family photos...

Are you ready?

1 more week... its almost time
don't worry, I have super healing powers (or not)

the holidays have basically flown by once again, with too much relaxation + too little brain + physical activities. Yes, it's a good time for 1 more year of studies...

that calls for adjustments once again. adaptation. There is a need for stability, after living a nomad's life for far too long. Too many changed venues and relationships. Stop.

it's when you're in-between that tears. Advice was to decide on one and commit to it. I think I never did. But it brought me to this point: that both I love. But in doing so, I became a ghost, never material in one.

I hate the voices in my head. I hate that lethargy. But I'm gonna miss alot too. There was never a need to fight inner demons, when you have the fellowship of people that edify.

am I ready?

relationships

when meeting a Christian, a fellow brother or sister, we Edify.
when meeting a non-believer, one who doesn't know salvation, we Evangelize.
simple.
...
and welcome Faith to my blog!! thanks for agreeing to redesign this boring site. lol
...
oh, and Singapore just beat Thailand 2-1. What a great penalty!!!! I came back in time to see the Thai team protest and sulk at the ref. They were even about to leave the pitch! where's the sportsmanship man

above life

O God, be Thou exalted over my possessions. Nothing of earth's treasures shall seem dear unto me if only Thou art glorified in my life. Be Thou exalted over my friendships. I am determined that Thou shall be above all, though I must stand deserted and alone in the midst of the earth. Be Thou exalted above my comforts. Though it mean the loss of bodily comforts and the carrying of heavy crosses, I shall keep my vow made this day before Thee. Be Thou exalted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream. Rise, O Lord, into Thy proper place of honour, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that Thou mayest increase; let me sink that Thou mayest rise above. Ride forth upon me as Thou didst ride into Jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to Thee, 'Hosanna in the highest.' (The Pursuit of God)

same story

reading my blog posts from last year's holidays, I realised that my last summer holiday was no different from this one: I got sick, it rained, and I'm slacking alot.

(excerpt)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
my summer break is a time of relaxation- of rest and reflection. No work, no hard duties. I get to do whatever I want! I have no obligations- nothing to prove.
isnt it paradise? isn't this a break that many will crave to go through?

Strange, I still feel a sense of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Somtimes happiness will just leave me as I suddenly feel depression approaching. Random thoughts flood my brain as I simply brush the current train of thought[not that they're crucial stuff anyway] aside. Truly, I sometimes find my mind drifting away into randomness. My thoughts sum to nothing- No value added.

They say that an idle mind is a devil's workshop. Is that what my mind is going to be?
paradise seems to have its own serpents after all.
aimlessness... gets you lost in the emptiness of the world.
(end)

scary man, and prior to that, I was sick too!!!! wow, blog posts do help you recount your life. useful useful :D
(still reading previous blog posts)
woah, I realised that both the summers of '06 and '07 are so similar in experience- sickness + boredom depression + Rainnn, except that this year's version of sicknesses and rain are more intensified that the last.

well, as of now, I should be better (crossing fingers) after taking so much medicine.
and the rain, well I can't control that.

gotta enjoy this break period!!!!!
it's my last summer holiday anyway... one more year of uni life, [urgh] just when I got the hang of it! I really do take longer to adapt than most people, that's why I'm not a very good international student. You MUST be able to adapt because everything around you WILL change. Acceptance just comes too slowly to me... by the time I click into motion, when I'm all ready to deal with a problem, I get unplugged and face another issue. Read my very first post. I'm a resident alien, the world is enemy.

a survey

10 favourites

colour: red

food: bbq stingray

song:

movie:

sport: football

season: post-spring

day: Holi-day

ice cream: ferrero rocher

book: our daily bread

stuff toy: magnetic lion

current mood: happy

clothes: Giordano (budget la!)

desktop: ???

toenail colour: natural

time: 10.14 p.m. (current time?)

annoyance: scaring people

thought:

boyfriend: (s), u mean

book you are reading: Bible

firsts

daddy: stupid question

best friend: dude called tze aung

crush: girl(s) on TV

movie: THAT SHOW I WATCHED WITH MATT, the title’s just eluding me now

piercing: when I fell down I pierced my skin

lie: ??

music: ??

car: ???

handphone: alcatel

last
cigarette: 2002

drink: water

car ride: today

last crush:

movie seen: ju hua bing (Golden Flower)

phone call:

CD played: jars of clay

have i ever..dated my bestfriend: no

broken the law: yes

arrested: no

skinny-dipped: no

been on tv: yes, if camcorder counts

kissed someone you dunno: no

5 things you are wearing:

4 things you have done today:

4 things you can hear now:

3 things you cant live without: water, food, shelter

1 thing i regret:

shit, I give up doing this

post mission trip, (recovered!)

mission trip was great, albeit a little tiring.
in fact, it was so tiring that it drained all the energy and food (don't ask how) out of me.

nonetheless, I will look back at it with fond memories and a remember a Christmas well spent (even though it was my first time spending it away from home).
Lav said that she could feel warmth and love all around, as if one was amongst family. I think she's right
I'll always remember in my mind, a mental picture of all the youths sitting on the hotel lobby (7th floor!!!) spending Christmas by singing carols and exchanging gifts, basically having a blast.

21

When you were born, God said "yes,"
yes to all you are and to all that you can be
by His grace, His mercy and His love.
He loved you at that very moment
without condition or reservation.
There is nothing you can do to earn that love,
and nothing you fail to do will lessen that love.
The coming year is a new opportunity
for you to discover more of the height, the breadth,
the length and the depth of that incredible love.
-Roy Lessin

He saves

a really good friend has told me to write...
[ok]

It's gonna be a letter of thanks and gratitude... He rescued me
----


well, I slept at 4am this morning. It was horrible, I've never done that in such a long time and I'm feeling so terrible now. All that toiling. Its so stressful when you're staring ahead at two really major assignments due at the end of this week. Really really stressful... all these deadlines and overdrives.
this boy just couldn't take it

One of the assignment was an essay worth 50%(!) of the subject, and I was nowhere near completion of that. Although it's safe to say that I've more or less finished the other one (it's due tomorrow so I sure as heck should've finished it).
But this particular assignment... eludes me so badly. I'm totally clueless on that topic. It's just so hard, to me. Issit because it's worth 50%? or issit because I'm just not used to doing freakin arts, reflective, idea, type of essays.
oh, the pressure, the pressure. For this assignment, the words just don't flow. Nothing springs out. Blank. My mind just couldn't do it, and as I keep hitting my head, frustration seeps in, making the situation worse. Just clueless... I was blacking out, quite literally.
this boy just couldn't take it

This was where God came in. the one who's never failed.
he rescued me...

[continuing]
last night was so futile... I went to bed feeling so down. Just sitting on the desk reading articles and trying to come up with a plan is already painstakingly impossible. What more the actual thing? urghh... I shudder to think about it.

waking up wasn't any better. so much to do. I still had to contend with all the work. Deadline's looming. I'm nowhere near completion... [help]

however, by evening today, things just took a turn for good... oh the thrill, his rescue...

I think submitting an essay plan to my lecturer was one of the best decisions made this week. Before yesterday, had a course mate not told me that how she got really good advice from the lecturer by submitting her plan, I wouldn't even have thought of doing that.
Through the toils of last night, I had carved out a plan, a pathetic plan, but a plan nonetheless. Emailing it to my lecturer, I got a reply that very evening.

... fantastic, I just don't know what to say:
Hello jeremy, You've analysed all the terms admirably, but you're still quite far from an essay... blah blah blah... I think you're going to need an extension so I will set 22/9 as your new submession date
[I'm so amazed]
truly, thank you so much God.
you rescued me.

hi

nothing much, just writing for the sake of having contents (in july)
goodbye july, see you next year.

Australia Vs Japan

What a GAME!!

despite the chilly winds of this freezing winter season, we [mai kee, michael, kent and I], (4 crazy boys) were out at the fed. square with a whole aussie mob to catch the world cup clash between japan and the socceroos on the big screen.

and boy did the match NOT disappoint!! it was awesome. The whole atmosphere was great- right from the start when I saw red flares (for the first time) being lit all throughout the crowd and streamers flying everywhere. gosh, I thought this only happens in the san siro.
but the stage was set, it just needed an aussie victory...

as the match went on, with japan going 1-up through a controversial goal, it started to look like the game was going to be a party pooper. you could feel the crowd losing its vibrance and it actually started to get colder...

but no, Aus fought, and they came back!!! in the the final third of the game cahill came on and suddenly, GOAL!!!!
the whole crowd erupted into euphoria and once again, flares were being lit all over the place.

I remember when the goal was scored, all of us were just going absolutely maddddd! especially mai kee and michael, who were jumping like wild boys, and in the process, unknowingly heading towards some dodgy dude who had a broken flare in his hand. He was literally trying to break it open as everyone was celebrating, (and the two mikes were jumping towards him, obviously oblivious to the danger.)

after that goal, aus scored another 2. That really made the experience at fed square amazing. it was awesome to be amongst the mob celebrations, especially when the goals came.

after the match, flinders street became a party ground. The roads were shut off and people took to the streets to celebrate.

what can I say, it was an experience.

Australia Vs Japan

4 boys, 1 big screen, a soccer match, in the freezing winter...

urban lights are fading in my eyes...

...as I've been fighting hard to keep myself awake all day.
it's holland's game in the world cup tonight, but I'm so stuffed now.

last night was a blast. I watched 'the omen' and the world cup matches on tv straight after that. the 5 of us came to church looking all... [I'll use the same word cos I can't think] Stuffed

man, I feel so sorry for the kid who played the mini anti-christ in that omen movie. sad boy, sad boy. Imagine being remembered as the devil's child for the most part of your fledgling life....ouchh

but anyhow, it was really funny (in the movie), seeing kent all wrapped up in his jacket throughout the show (especially the tense scenes!) and michael sutanto curling himself into a ball the during last part of the movie. If you were there you'd be laughing at them too. hilarious man, I just couldn't stop. (made it even funnier as kent was taunting me as a chicken prior to the show)

I wish i could've taken photos!!!!

sadly, I couldn't confirm whether mai kee screams like a girl though.
but after the show, he[mai kee] kept trying to scare us throughout the night with those random 'boos', although none of them seemed to work. oh, he did manage to frighten the nam loong girl (although unintentionally). So that doesnt count mai kee! man, he even resorted to switching off toilet lights when people were peeing.
note to self, mai kee needs retribution for all those nonsensical acts.

the soccer matches were disappointing, in the sense that there were no goals. Again, Kent was all wrapped up [in dunas] but this time it was because he was tired.
I learnt that Stomping a guy who was too lazy to fight back was fun!
I think I was the last to sleep.
mai kee snores.
I got a 'sheet' to cover myself whilst everyone had Warm dunas (thanks guys)
yea, I was the last to sleep.
everyone had nice Warm dunas
I had a sheet
but when I finally did shut down, I slept like a log.
even with a sheet
alarms don't wake me.
I slept the winter night with a Sheet.

everyone woke up claiming that they were sweating under the Warm dunas.
I woke up a frozen skeleton.
I only got a duna when it was 9.30am and time to go.
thanks guys.

And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.

And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.
And the Cry of my heart is to bring you praise.

truck art

really cool, these are in fact 2d inprints made to look 3d

I shouldn't be blogging

monday - Drowning in the information overload and not comprehending a single thing (spent the whole afternoon staring at a financial swaps slide w/o understanding it)

tuesday - On a roll. Alot of things I didn't know suddenly just dawned upon me

wednesday - the roll continued... until dawn came, when I started losing concentration

thursday - plot lost. Spent the whole afternoon attending consultation lectures and couldnt click into the study mode when I got back

friday - tried to get into the swing of things but suddenly everything seems hard again

saturday - today! oh no. Help

sunday - (will suddenly turn genius)

monday - (genius level will be extraordinary)

tuesday - (I blitz the exams)

----
I look to the left of my study and see photos: Pictures of family, friends, happy times and fond memories. It's my wonderwall. Thanks for being my encouragement during this exam period!

you learn something new each day...

Recent conversation (with the zheng-master):

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
heeeeeey

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
nani

jem says:
heyy zheng

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
is that u

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
witha a towel

jem says:
yea yea, hahaha.

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
no wait

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
a sleeping bag

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
lol

jem says:
sleeping

jem says:
*peace

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
u sleep like a log

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
lol

jem says:
who's rofl?

jem says:
your dog?

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
acronym

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
lol = laught out loud

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
Rofl = rolling on floor laughing

jem says:
HAHAHAHAHA, oh oh, i thought rofl was like your dog who found plans in the laundry.

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
lmao = laughing my ass off

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
lol

jem says:
*embarrassed

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
Roflmao = rolling on floor laughing my ass off

ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ says:
lol

--------------
End of Transcript

wow, now we all know what 'rofl' is....
and as zheng mentioned, you can even add combos to turn 'rofl' into 'roflmao' which gives it the added 'my ass off'.
smarrrrrrt ...

now to learn something about information systems architecture (isa) or international finance (if)
*rofc!!



*roll on the floor crying

loving the acronyms


by the way (btw),
"ROFL FOUND PLANS IN THE LAUNDRY - but i dont understand em........ "
looking at this context, rofl does kindda sound like a dog dont u agree?

humiliation

blasted by a bus driver for trying to ask him to change my dollar note for a ticket. What the heck, he gives me a lecture on how the rules have changed and bus drivers are now not allowed to change money for customers. Before I could explain that the machine in the bus station was spoilt + the conductor didnt have enough change (one who cared bollocks) and there wasnt a single person around, he simply cut me off and yelled his rights and my wrongdoings.

he said that the bus was under surveillance and everything that's happening is being recorded and that he'll give it to the head office which'll remember my face and put it on the state registry so that they'll remember me and be able make sure I do not do this again. He also cautioned me about my speech (because everything that is said in the conversation is being recorded) and mind you till that point I hadn't really been chanced to even say a thing:
"sorry about that but..." (no chance for my explainations)
"but I couldnt do anything about it" (he starts implying that I'm now blaming him)
"I'm really not trying...[to do anything criminal here]" (couldnt even finish that sentence)

as he kept rolling about how the entire situation was due to my irresponsibility and he had nothing do do with it, I felt utterly helpless. If there was a time I really needed someone's help so badly, that was it.
Finally, I looked desperately at him and asked what I could do about the situation now (nxt bus is in an hr's time).
he simply gave a look of utter disregard and said that he'd change my note this time. after handing my my ticket, he went on to look at the surveillance camera and started going like 'INCIDENT AT 12.05PM... PASSENGER...', as though my actions were crininal.

at that point I felt like crap. tried to force a smile and show that I was somehow really really thankful that he could transact the $20 note for a ticket and $15 dollars change (oh by the way, he had a little cashier beside him filled with cash, and when I looked at it initially, he goes like 'oh don't you go all big-eyed looking at that cash because it none of your business...'

right, when I finally sat down on the bus I felt like the worse human ever alive. I was utterly humiliated and really just so down.
I just want to say that through this whole incident, I didn't raise my voice nor did a single curse word come out of me. I was standing there getting slaughtered as passengers watched the spectacle unfold.
but since this is my space and my outlet to finally let my feelings out, I'd like to say that I feel the whole treatment I received was unfair, harsh and wasnt justified at all.

I wanted to pay for a ticket.
I had a note and no alternatives to change it.
I couldnt explain my situation.
I got blasted.

I would definitely keep this experience in mind so that I myself would not do this unto someone else.

oh yes, I've also lost my fringe today. (I know, what a sad day. lol)
when I said to keep the front 'over the eyebrows', it doesnt mean like short hair right? I mean, short means' under the eyebrows' isnt it. oh man, what a horrific outcome a single slit can make!
I don't know, but I guess there's always the good ol cap to wear when everything's in a mess.

well, thanks bus driver, I'll definitely learn to treat people better than how you treat them

"I love the Lord, and if Loving the Lord is wrong, then I don't wanna be right!"

assignments and presentation all looming at the corner.
beyond that lies the massive exams (have like 2 papers in a day!)

(oh God, not another pile of bollocks)

Finally.
the hard part was squeezing all the words into the 2 small pages provided. I had it all typed out on the computer but that was wayy over the word count.


lights out!

we did it!

what a comeback!

I made this...

behold :D

...Thanks for everything Mom, love you so much.

time for sleep

I always thought my heartbrokenness was punishment for all I've done to her

Who is Theo Walcott??

sven's England call-up
• Goalkeepers: Robinson (Tottenham), James (Manchester City), Green (Norwich)
• Defenders: G Neville (Manchester United), R Ferdinand (Manchester United), Terry (Chelsea), A Cole (Arsenal), Campbell (Arsenal), Carragher (Liverpool), Bridge (Chelsea)
• Midfielders: Beckham (Real Madrid), Carrick (Tottenham), Lampard (Chelsea), Gerrard (Liverpool), Hargreaves (Bayern Munich), Jenas (Totenham), Downing (Middlesbrough), J Cole (Chelsea), Lennon (Tottenham)
• Forwards: Rooney (Manchester United), Owen (Newcastle), Crouch (Liverpool), Walcott (Arsenal).

oh crap, maybe he's gone too far
-----

well, the weeks leading up to the end of the semester are flying by- the days simply dropping like flies. I can't believe it's coming to week 11 that quickly.

we certainly need to see time from a Godly perspective if we are to make the best out of it: I need to make a stand for Him, and make it all worthwhile here. Cos at the end of the day, there's only worth when you do it all for His glory.

anyhow, I've been in the computer labs all week, camping there till the sky turns dark basically. But oh man, I feel so industrious! Especially knowing that I've singlehandedly done my group's assignment- they will be pleased to know that I've completed the prototype for assignment 3 already.
yes! It sure makes all the 'camping' times worthwhile and rewarding once your efforts get paid off with a beautiful working program. It'll def. make your group members much Happier people too! ahahaha.

then again, it's also really tiring and sometimes bad cos you tend to forget about meals and neglect all other things when focusing on the task at hand. aha. but yea, when you know you've done a good day's work. you sleep so much better.
and it feels soo good too!
oh yes, it's also for Him. and his glory.
cheers.

if sven had the balls...

…carrick would be a starter for the England squad in the world cup and owen should be relegated to the bench (yes, you heard it. NO start for him!).
[oh, this is in the light of rooney’s injury, by the way, if you’re unaware of it]

rio [ferdinand] is DEF behind Carragher in the pecking order at the moment as his performances this season does not warrant him a start when there is a better defender who can play with heart.

(my best England line-up)
---------------Robinson------------
Neville-Carragher-Terry-A.Cole
--------------Carrick---------------
Beckham-------------------J.Cole
---------Gerrard-Lampard-------
---------------Crouch-------------

england’s most powerful asset is now their midfield. No question. It is filled with talent and if used well, will dominate the opposition’s. A lone striker in the form of peter crouch will be able to hold the ball and bring the midfield into attack.
With rooney out, gerrard and lampard will now be able to be play in their best positions respectively- roaming midfielders/hole players/behind the striker, everywhere, basically.

this is only possible with the vacated position left by rooney’s injury and if another holding midfielder is introduced to allow both these 2 men the license to attack.

carrick at the back would allow them both to be able to enjoy their best positions without competition. He would unshackle gerrard from defending duties and allow lamps to be always on attack mode.

and why not? Carrick has been excellent and has really excelled this season at Spurs. A deep lying playmaker, he can conjure up the killer balls and guard the back four sufficiently well enough as the midfield to retreats to defend.

england would surely stand a higher chance of triumph utilizing her talented midfielders- joe cole, gerrard and lampard all marauding in attack is definitely be a treat for all watching.

I know many people would say that crouch stinks, but he is more than able to hold-up the ball and link play. If he can do this well, then its game on for him. Also, if the exceptional supply from becks allows crouch to score some goals (think becksàrvn, then Goal!), then it’ll be an added bonus for the team. But even if he doesn’t score, but does a fine job in bringing the midfield into the game, than I’d say again, its mission accomplished for him. I’m sure a midfield with the likes of cole, becks, lampard and gerrard won’t have a problem finding the back of the net if they had good service from a big striker.

others might reckon: owen as a lone striker? Well, he just won’t cut it. Not that I’m criticizing him or anything, but owen is just a different sort of striker- he is built with the qualities of a poacher. A more selfish and direct style of play would mean that the midfield would not benefit much playing off him. And again, england’s most powerful asset is it’s midfield. Depriving their effectiveness means an inferior England. He also doesn’t have enough games in his belt to even deserve a start. A player that hasn’t played a game for more than half a season is nowhere near match sharpness. But, as a super sub, I’d say owen would be perfect. He absolutely fits the bill for this- a speedy hit man on the bench is a luxury any manager would relish. After all, he did bang goals on such a consistent basis when coming off the bench during his time real madrid.

but sadly, come the world cup, england’s midfield will be running at an inefficient state.
owen will start
rio will start
and carrick on the pitch will be a rare sight.
because Sven is in charge.
though all these factors will be to England’s detriment, it will still happen.
because Sven is in charge
with a ball-less boss like sven, he will probably go starting owen with crouch just to appease his stars. He will stifle either gerrard or lampard. He will choose rio (passionless) to carragher (heart). He will be the downfall of England.

so c’mon sven, show us some balls come world cup. Bring on the talents and throw away that boot sucking loyalty that you show to the regulars. When they suck, drop em. When a formation ain’t as effective, change it.

and while you’re at it, bring other talented guys like nolan and lennon [underrated] please!

Information systems architecture
Aspx
InstantOrder.Asmx
Myproxy.vb
Webconfig
IBuySpy
Commerce database
A business logic machine and a database to be created for a client.

well, these are just some of the jargons I have come across (over and over and over and over again) as I have been camping in the computer labs working on the assignments

game On!!

Matt wrote:

On Tuesday May 02 2006...
"What happens when you don't get what you want
Wow, the universal question. The question that often determines how happy our lives are. Different people deal with it differently, and very often, depending on how they deal with it, they lead wonderful or miserable lives all the same.

So what do you do when things don't go your way. It could be your UNI applications not working out the way you planned, or your relationship crumbling, or your simple anxiety on what to do with your life. What do you do when things seem to fall apart, and when stuff you ve hoped in SO much just breaks down after one conversation or after one letter. What happens when your home, as a concept, is desecrated and you find yourself running away. What happens when, overcome by guilt, you wallow in ur predicament and cry yourself to sleep every night for almost half a year. What happens when you feel so insecure, you hide from people. What happens when you cannot go home, but if you don't, you re trapped in a military camp. What happens when you injure yourself, and lose your self esteem. What happens when people tell you you re not good enough. what happens when you tell yourself you re not good enough. what happens when people just let you down. what Happens when there is really really no one left, who cares or knows what you re going through. what happens when you tell yourself no one cares.What happens when you couldnt care to explain stuff to the few people who cared, cos its too complicated. What happens when you feel so ashamed and guilty of something you ve done that you hide from people and convince yourself that you re gonna have to go away to another land. What happens when you ponder suicide, like for real. what happens when u ponder suicide and then acknowledge that you arent brave enough to end it, thereby completely leavin you solutionless. What happens and where do you go?

What would you do, when you ve hurt people so deeply, that they would be scarred for life.
What would you do when you feel theres no way out of the shite thats piling on.
what would you do when you find that nothing you re doing is gonna help you.
what would you do when someone you loved so much doesnt feel the same way, and you just feel like your heart was ripped out and trampled on
what would you do when you decided that you couldnt face the world or move on
what would you do when you realised you are truly a good for nothing
what would you do when you realised you are achievement-less
what would you do when you realised that you have nothing going for you.
what would you do when you realised that you club,smoke, drink and indulge ur lust almost daily.
what would you do when you ve found that you are slave to so many things, including ur prisoning desires.
what would you do when everyone else around you seems to have it better, or IS better than you.
what would you do when everything you apply for rejects you and tells you that you re stupid
what would you do if even the people you thought would believe in you tell you your limits

Well, idunno about you but, about a year ago, Itried this one way after exhuasting every other, and its been amazing.
Ask me about it please, i m dying to tell you!! I REALLY AM DYING TO TELL YOU. like...i m exploding here."

tonight's all soccer

"We have not seen a player like Shearer for years - a player who could almost guarantee you 30 goals a season at his peak. Scoring goals consistently is the hardest job on a football pitch and that explains why strikers get all the glory and more of the money. You just cannot put a value on someone who can bang in goals at such a rate.

Sir Alex Ferguson paid tribute to him this week when he said that he says to his scouts every week 'find me a Shearer'. He says he gets people offered who can play 'in the hole' or just behind two strikers, or who can drop wide, and all he can say is 'why don't you find me another bloody Shearer?'

That tells you everything you need to know about whether there's a place for an 'English-style' centre-forward in the modern game. Every team in the Premiership would fall over themselves to sign another Shearer. If Liverpool could find one, they might well win the title."

-Andy Gray on the legend that is Alan Shearer (whose footballing career is finally over)

"My dream as a kid was to play for Newcastle United and to score goals at St James' Park. It doesn't matter that I didn't win a trophy because I did it my way and I lived the dream.

Unless you come from the area you wouldn't understand that mentality. Playing for the club is everything. I broke Jackie's record and no-one can take that away from me. I've never had any regrets."

-Alan Shearer

just came from the tele room after watching the match between Spurs and Arse.
exciting stuff, even though it was from a neutral's point of view (with the added bonus of being able to witness the fans from both sides in the tv area taunting each other- more specifically, 2 pommie rivals)
gosh, Spurs... you guys were so close to victory. (Spurs, Spurs, always faltering at the last moment.) Basically, to sum up the downfall: the minute the team went ahead to a Robbie Keane goal, they just couldnt hold back the Arse onslaught led by Henry and essentially lost too much of their shape. come on, anyone who plays man behind ball against Arse will be severely punished.
and Edgar Davids being sent off... added woe
what a ripper...
yet, I reckon Michael Carrick...
an awesome player man. He really had quite a game (before the falterings). excellent solo run, ball control and especially great passing from the Spurs pivot. truly a very cool deep-lying playmaker who's a star in the making.

...and as for the match later, the almighty Liverpool will lock horns once again with money rich, zero-culture Chelski. They look unstoppable at the moment, but sometimes, you never know.
seriously, if the red machine clicks into play, then we'll def be able to bang their stupid team out of another cup competition like we did last year [Liverpool, Euro Champions 2005).

strongest line-up for us [I reckon]:
-------------Reina------------
Finnan-Carragher-Hypia-Riise
Gerrard-Alonso-Sissoko-Kewell
---------Cisse-Crouch--------

cisse being the most worrying factor. the dude's fast, but sometimes he's just too fast for his own good that he can't stop to make better decisions with the ball.
all those wasted chances, misses and ball losses. please cisse, if you ever step onto the pitch tonight, give us red fans a performance that we'd marvel at.
a pity that the man Robbie is ineligable for the tie tonight. He'd be a def starter.

however, knowing boss Rafa, he'd probably adopt 'flexible' 4-5-1 to give us more... options. and prob also because other than Fowler, there aren't any prolific strikers that we can call upon in such massive games.
Crouch will be doing what he does best: being a pivotal target man to hold all the balls for the midfield to enter into attacks. After all, that's what the gangly striker has been doing for us all season.
gosh, it's times like these [in the absence of Fowler] when we surely need a Shearer.
but anyhow, a holding man up front gives players like Gerrard, Garcia and Kewell the chance to break forward and attack.

the match won't just be Pool vs Chelski. It's also Liverpool vs robben and drogba theatrics and mourinho's trash talk.
but at the end of the day:
Good guys win
Bad guys lose
and Liverpool prevails
(last line was meant to be london and it was stolen off V for Vendetta from the 'voice of London'.)

4-5-1:
------------Reina------------
Finnan-Carragher-Hypia-Riise (the legendary back four will always be there)
Gerrard-Alonso-Sissoko-Kewell
------------Garcia------------
------------Crouch-----------

well, I know Garcia aint such a good choice: another frustrating player who always tries crazy stuff and loses possesion too cheaply.
but look, the man does score those spectacular goals and always somehow revels in the limelight that big matches provide.

(Liverpool to win 1-0)
a cheers [with my milo] to that.

Planet Shakers - Majesty is DE SONG
'All majesty, to the Lord of creation
All majesty, God of all generations
This anthem we'll sing
To the God of all nations
All majesty we sing'

.

wow, once again, I am baffled at the way time can just fly so fast.
a week ago at this time, I was away at easter camp and looking forward to a wonderful week of holiday that was to follow thereafter.
and before that I had just been through such a tough and grueling week at uni (of tests and assignments).
you can imagine the happiness when those tests came to an end as I was immediately ushered into the holidays. (seriously, that was such a high)

holidays contained happiness, joy, lonliness, depression, procrastination, study, fatigue, laziness, prayer, falterings... (the lot)

but today, all of it seems to have come to an end. It is now the weekends, which will be closely followed by school again. The easter break is over [just like that].

how precious is time!! there is no such thing as a pause button in life. time-outs do not literally mean what they say.
the clock ticks... and my youth is being wasted away.
so much of my time has been thrown, and devoted to non-value added stuff. I feel so guilty now.
I really hope I've done something through the week that has somehow pleased God, but it's so hard to tell. I fear that I have wasted this whole week as nothing I've done is worthy enough to be mentioned. nothing I've done may have pleased Him at all.
In fact, I feel I haven't really been worthy enough at all.
I've done nothing.
crap.
I'm useless (the truth hurts)
how come I can have so much ideals and visions, yet somehow do not execute what I think.
what i wanna do I do not do, what I do not wanna do, I end up doing.

I'm wierd. How is it I can have such drastic mood swings. How come I can look normal on the outside yet feel so downcast and hurt on the inside. Why am I always battling internally- and putting out the fires within to troubles that other people do not seem to even know. and sometimes, it's as if I feel that there's no person in the world that would be able to help me. heck, I can't even describe my problems.
how did so much happiness manage to escape from me? Did I not pack enough with me to last through these times?
oh yes, its the idle periods when I fall the most.

anyhow, back to the issue of time- its just amazing how this whole week of holidays seem to just Fly by just like that.

I guess easter camp was something worth mentioning.
I really went there with the intent of seeking God. I guess he gave me the added bonus of fun and I also got to know the people at church better.




oh oh
I saw a video that made me laugh my ass off!
the mighty Steven Gerrard... scratching his b@!!$!!!
it's insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!



he does it in front of kids, and the other players dont seem to care.
I guess he could be doing something else, but heck, it just looks so obscene.

The test looms ahead

what a difference today made for me.
having had to upload my previous thoughts a day late, I had a chance to re-read my post.
I realised how scared and desperate I was that night, when Failure seemed so imminent.
it was as if all my efforts looked to add to nothing. my whole study period = a disasterpiece
stress and tension.
down and out
K.O....
I was beaten

and with that, I went into slumber... defeated.

but no, that was not the case today.
for today, I was aided...

just wanted to say:
Thank you.

keep the blessings coming.

this was supposed to be up yesterday, but my internet connection had failed:

the problem with finance: studying long hours does not equal understanding.

look, an essay may require lots of hours, labor and thought. But at the end of the toil, you generally have a finished product.

well, my friend, finance is nowhere like this.

long hours and time spent slogging in front of the lecture notes and textbook does not guarantee a finished product.

I’ve read and read and read but to no avail.
the bottom line: I’m just not smart enough

the energy and effort devoted into studying finance just gets wasted and transformed into frustration and hopelessness.
useless output,
utter inefficiency

my test is on Thursday. I’m at a lost now.
even passing it seems like such a hurdle.

help people, I’m stumbling.
so washed out at the moment…
God please shine some light into this.

please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless please bless
and intervene

am sick Part III

my body has fallen again- broken down, used and overheated.
the weather has been too hot and dry, all moisture simply sucked out of my system.
despite this, my bro and I were practically out roaming the whole day.
that probably took a toll on me.

and at night, I bumped into a couple of friends who invited us to a karaoke place.
we did go, for awhile, but not before going to st kilda park first.

to st kilda park, where the happening commonwealth games festival was taking place. Human traffic was at its peak. Our main intention though, was to go there to the find the wonderful skate park I told my bro about.
I must add that we did, however, manage to catch fireworks, a glimpse of laser shows and some stage performances though. So these are really wonderful bonuses that I'm really happy to have seen.
but yea, amidst all the festivities, Jerald had his eyes only on the skate park and its skater+biker inhabitants.
this whole period probably also helped in making my dehydration and energy levels go lower.

it was only when we went to the karoake place and the pub (to watch the soccer game) did I realise that I was doomed to be sick.
man, the air in the those places were horrible, and it's funny how I didnt even sing, yet I got a sore throat due to the excessive laughter from hearing the others singing.
the pub air left me dry and choked, oh how I suffered, but at least I got to see Pool slaughter N'verton.

we left only returned home at 4am...
that meant 5 hours of sleep before going to church.

22nd March 2006 Birmingham 0 - 7 Liverpool

game on

a big Thank You, to all of you who've just been such a blessing and encouragement to me during the last week. It's just been so uplifiting.
I am inspired.

when I lost my wallet, she picked it up and returned it to me
when I was depressed and down, you brought encouragements
when I needed groups, brilliant people came along
when I needed company, they showed up

thank you! (I can't say that enough)

you've all given me the inspiration to carry on, everyone of you, in your own special way.
because of you, I feel renewed and replenished. Optimism... you're back.

I'll look ahead and tell myself that I won't just live, but I'll also thrive cos I know I have been so richly blessed.

It really feels great to know that despite troubles and obstacles ahead, the innate positivity is there again to stand up and fight. A happy champion, ready to challenge the onslaught.

23rd March
my family's just landed here today- the brothers are really bored, and have come to quickly dislike the place.
jerome begged me to bring my laptop to my aunt's place so that he could play computer games
*ahahahaha
jerald claims melbourne feels like brokeback mountain (of gays, cowboys and mountains) and its making him sick.
*ahahahahahahahaha

anyhow, looking at the date, I realised that its already been a month since leaving. My goodness, how time flies...

and again,
just from the bottom of my heart... Thank You.

stumbling

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I'll save the world

as uni progresses, I really feel so lost and disconnected. Its funny how I can walk down a roadway packed with so many other students and still feel so alone. There are so many places where the proxmity of people are so close, and yet I feel no intimacy to anybody at all. I walk with a multitude of people, but I'm all alone.

that feeling really sucks

somehow, I truly find it hard to make friends here. Maybe, its just me, being screwed up, anti-social and shy. Sometimes, I feel I'm just not up to it when it comes to networking and finding friends. How else can I explain going to uni without even recognizing a single person.

really discouraging...

But staying alone has definitely taught me to fend for myself. I definitely feel that I have become so much stronger away from home. I learn resilience. I have been made tougher.

sometimes I feel that people do not give you a chance, that you are accepted or rejected based on facades, abilities and even status. If you dont have these qualities then you can expect to sit out and receive no reception. Some people even take you in as a friend yet treat you with such a condescending nature- They're always better, and somehow you're treated like a lower status person. Also, when you pour out your problems and weaknesses to them, they suddenly smile and offer you few words of encouragement. But really, they smile as they gain happiness basking in your misery.

Others, well, they just don't even give a shit.

but I will not let the issue of lonliness nor condescending folks hinder me- Even if there's no one here who cares for me, I WILL still bother to care for people.
I truly hope to be able to show them compassion and be a light.
'I'll touch the world, like you've touch my life'
It's hard work, definitely even more so for someone in my position, but I know I am empowered to be a blessing to people, no matter how flawed I can be.
Anyone can. You just need to decide.

the big picture II

now starts week 3 of university. wow, time really flies. It's scary how I'm treating my subjects so lightly this semester. I just had a collected 'points count' for my course- 2 more subjects and I basically have an information systems bachelor in my bag! That's really amazing news, considering how I prioritise the commerce part alot higher. Now doesnt that make put a smile back to my face!

but yea, I kindda feel quite guilty cos I've always treated my subjects in the previous years with alot of care and attention. The course planner I met the other day went like 'Wow, you must really like your degree alot- your results so far are pretty good.' I laughed, and told her wait till she looks at my third year stuff...

in a way, I sort of feel a sense of distraction these past few weeks, as I devote time/energy to other activities. The job hunting bit has definitely taken alot of effort.
also, my thoughts and feelings can simply just lead me off somewhere else. You know, with the start of university life again comes the return of issues such as coping with social circles, acceptance, happiness, girls, pickup lines, introductions... it really leaves me frustrated as these things certainly DO distract me a fair bit.
worrying to an extent.

I really feel that at times, I'm just not as close to him as I used to be. Slowly, I feel the fire and passion just seeping out. There are so many diversions. These entrancing and random just take centerstage within me for no reason. I struggle to sometimes feel 'right' and get into the 'right' mood of prayer. Shucks, sometimes it's really hard to get into that whole 'rightness' setting when there's all sorts of other desires in your mind. It's just confusion and a big mess internally. I think I am weak and disorganised, mentally.

I mean, I really know that God takes care of my every need- mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. I do and truly believe that in him and his abundance, I find fulfillment. But its just these occasions [now], a faltering moment, that I can't help but worry about how I will be satisfied in the various aspects. It's like a half of me yielding, yet another half just in doubt about how he'll actually go about supplying to my needs- and its bad! In the end, I worry, stop worrying, then start worrying about another issue, and stop worring again... it really can take a toll on you.

it really just shows how weak I can be sometimes- that even after submission to Him, thoughts of doubt and disbelief still manages to creep back into me.

tributes

today, my good friend Chris reminded me of how it is to be a blessing to someone else. Chrissy, a wonderful person, though sometimes bearing too much arrogance for me to take, has today made me go... Wow.

he called his brother to ask for the car, stopped halfway to allow me time for grocery shopping, drove me home and also helped carry my load right to my doorstep.
all this done at the night he needed as much sleep as he could- when he had to wake up for his med classes at 5am.

maybe I haven't thanked him enough for what he did, but his gesture, although simple, has really been such a blessing to me.

chris, thanks for that sacrifice of time and energy, and cheers to you, for the countless times you've always come and helped me.

---

oh yah, and Michelle, you are noble man!! I can't believe you're gonna take part in the 14+km run!
And as you said in ya blog, you don't even like running!!! but cheers to you man! Respect.
we definitely have to start training for that run.

it's scary, I might just faint halfway and maybe someone might have to call an ambulance. after all, with the invention of bicycles and automobiles, it has been awhile since average men like me have trod such long distances, on foot!

crikey,
it is 1am eastern standard time. all the thoughts of running have left me exhausted...

the big picture

its the start of the a new day... Monday, the 6th of March 2006, has just began.

As of now:
I want a job.
I really hope to earn enough cash to support my accomodation.

and I'm really tired now: Waking up at 9am is hard!! But there's motivation today...

distractions. It seems that I am overlooking something really important in my life. The days have been passing but I feel there're important agendas I'm neglecting. It's leaving me weightless... substance just gets drained as the days past.

I used to have the mentality that whenever I step into Melbourne soil, the 'power' within me slowly gets lost. please do not let me go back to this frame of mind again.

why do I feel so chaotic within. I am battling again with my self-concious nature. Gosh, I'm vain! And I fear. It seems like unimportant issues are becoming so big and captivating. Help.

as I write, I still feel so messed up. this whole post's in a mess.

screw it. i will slumber

struck down but not destroyed

as the song goes: 'I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed...'

it is bewildering how sometimes a single comment made towards you can just bring your esteem crashing down. Just today, some dude told me he reckoned I wouldn't make at all when I entered the army- '3 weeks!!' he said. His colleague stepped in and interceded, 'No, no, no!' he said, 'I'd give this boy 2 weeks man!' and the gang just starts laughing their arses off at my expense. Gosh they must be happy...

ouch! I actually felt quite dejected after that conversation. I mean, I was really so down-hearted! Doubt, insecurity, thoughts of 'am I really so weak?' just kept entering my system. My, it was certainly an ordeal. I simply sat there and forced a weak smile. They might not even know that I felt damaged by their comments- probably too busy satisfying their laughing lust.

*dignity lost... just like that

but hasn't this sorta situation happened to many of us so many times? Often, I have felt so scorned and rejected by people when they simply use you as a 'jackass + guinea pig' object whereby they can get laughs out of you. All at the expense of utilising criticisms and pinpointing weaknesses.

some criticisms I have grown accustomed to, others still pack a sting no matter how much you try to hedge against it. But all these 'thorns' I have been inflicted with only serve to make me realise one fundamental important thing- That I am indeed, really and truly, inadequate!

yes, I have said it. I feel so inadequate at times, so useless. Oh God, why can't I be like this... or that... yes we indeed do strive to be one step higher. So blinded by worldly standards, I sometimes plunge into a depth of gloom as I feel so 'ugly', as compared to the 'beautiful ones' that are in this world. I mean, don't you feel like crap sometimes when you compare yourselves to others? ...How they'd trounced you in any aspect.

Stupid worldly standards.
Stupid condescending attitudes.

take heart people, for there is a God who loves you and sees you, each and everyone of you as a 'beautiful one'. In him, you will be refined and perfected and his strengths will be made perfect in your very weaknesses.

yes, indeed I find that very encouraging, but sometimes, the sting that words bring still leave you feeling downcast and rejected. But heck, I hope to be encouraged, inspired, and soon, to get on with the beautiful journey that is my life.

*dignity...downloading 40% completed

Goodnight world.

.....
oh yea, people who pray, I have written personal prayer requests at the side. Please uphold me. Thanks!!

beginnings

5 days already in Melbourne.
Melbourne-Singapore, Singapore-Melbourne, Melbourne-Singapore… This routine of coming and going has almost become second nature to me- I no longer shed tears and miss the homeland as much as before. I really have to say, this time round, I just seem to get into life a lot quicker than before.

I definitely can still recall last year- how gutted I was to have returned here for my studies… so gutted that I plunged into this dark period of depression and refused to accept my life, until about a month later. That was definitely an experience, of pain. I’m so glad I did not encounter this drastic chasm once again.

Leaving the airport, I did a ‘Ben Raja’- as I would call it from now on. The ‘Ben Raja’ way of leaving- quick, decisive and…cool. Cool, so unlike good ol’ Ben Raja, hahahahaha!

Jokes aside, it’s really simple: when departing, only look back ONCE, I repeat once. Not only will you appear cool, but it also makes you detach from the place much quicker. Do not look back to take mental pictures, wave sad goodbyes, perform final gazes or whatsoever reason. Do not, do not! Do a ‘Ben Raja’ leaving style, look ahead and set your thoughts on what’s before you. Set your sights on the vision, on the big picture- the master plan that is your life.

So I left…

*thoughts enter… ‘Geez… It’s… Singapore!’
I grin…

I am still human after all, and the fond memories in Singapore will definitely remain in me. But I will make them memories of happiness, not something I lean on and hang on so tightly to, that I forget how to live in the present. No, they will not be a clutch of any sort. It will not thwart me nor bog me down. I will stand this time and fight for my happiness and pursue the Godly life that I should have!

Ohh, the some ACS theme just came into my head that goes really well with what I wrote above. It goes something like this:
The past we inherit,
The present we create,
And what is to come…
The Best Is Yet To Be!

Ok, back to the present.

College square is student land- I have reentered life as an international student once more. No longer am I away from the main city, living in the ‘badlands’ of Doncaster (not that it is a wilderness by the way). The gym looks pretty cool. I really hope I will be able to continue running every night like I used to in Singapore, for the 2.4km run actually leaves me on a high every time I finish it.

Thing is, the internet is simply pissing me off. It is broadband, but stuff like Skype and MSN video conferencing truly suck when I utilize it here. How can I talk to my family if these services do not work properly!! Fix it guys!

My room is kindda furnished already so there’s no need for much.
[Judge Judy is being screened in the background as I speak]
My schedule for this week is pretty gay, as there’re neither tutorials nor workshops in the first week.
I want a job…

*thoughts enter…
Oh, and I still miss everyone back home.

departure date

well, I'm off. Thank you everyone for the wonderful 3 months.

as the curtain falls to mark the end of the summer holidays, I am somwhat sad to leave these fond times behind... but another part of me knows that the future holds more.
be it bright or gloomy times, life has to be lived in the present- looking forward.
no turning back now...

see you later Singapore!

the boy will learn

amazing. how time has flown. looking back, my last post is dated on the 14th of January- it has been more than a month since I've written already!

But my, how wonderful the experiences were during that interval.

My mission trip to Khon Kaen, Thailand, was surreal. I sometimes feel words cannot describe what a great time it was, that words may potentially tarnish this wonderful memory.

Despite living in places with flawed conditions, I still found so much joy! The people, both Thai and Korean- they exude such positive forces. Thai culture is ever friendly. People there do not put up such cocky facades. When you're in their company, there is the absence of the cold attitudes and resistances that many at times we will experience when you're in the company of a person regarded 'superior' to you. [There is no superior man. That's bullshit.] And their gaze, unlike our society, do not look upon you with contempt. It is a simple love that they show, to both God and people. They inspire me, to be humble and not conform to the arrogant and self-centered attitudes that cultivates in men when living in such fast-paced, career-minded, 'dog-eat-dog' cum office politics worlds.

After that trip, I have also come to respect the Korean youths who have gone forth to evangalise in the province- laying down their everything. People who are so well off, yet decide to come to Khon Kaen, to spread the Word, to live in poverty, to be devoid of comfort for months. Their very passion sends chills down my spine as I am moved to tears by such awe inspiring attitudes. How they pay to suffer, literally! All for the glory of God. I really hope that someday, that zeal may just run deep in my veins too. Koreans, wow... They inspire me, truly to be a better person.

And the way both cultures worship. Wow. Simple yet powerful. It brings me to my knees. The way the music is played, the way they sing, really inspiring stuff! During that period, I felt such a powerful spiritual aura when I was in the company of the Christians there. How I wish that powerful aura could just linger in me wherever I go... forever. Their worship, it inspires me- I wish to find and reclaim that aura.

But now, it is over. That spiritual trip that lasted from the 18th-26th Jan, has now become a fond and beautiful memory. I will learn. I will cherish it.

Now, here's where I stand...

Feb 19th 2006, I am spending my last days of summer holiday. On the 23rd, I fly for yet another study trip to Australia.

It's a Sunday, and my midweek flight means that I would not be attending another THOP service till Nov. Immediately, the youths will come into my mind: From the older ones whom I respect to the younger ones whom I will guard. Gosh, I will miss them all. For the youths have become family to me- My brothers and sisters. I feel like a brother so in love with all of his siblings, that it's actually quite sad to leave them behind. They are family, I hold them so dear to my heart, everyone of them.
So till November...

Through all the experiences, from people, situations and circumstances, the boy will learn.