the great escape

its all coming together now:
australia, japan, korea, and possibly bali- my travel plans are slowly taking shape. From beautiful autumn, to sakuras, to the beach life, this is one heck of a ride.
I will not look left nor right, only to whatever's ahead. I will stick to to my master plan.

'ni shi na zong shao ye xing xiang, you du su de, bu yao qi zuo ah beng, na zong fa xing bu shi he ni de'
-summarized version of what my hairdresser said to me when I requested to cut lines on the sides.

everton

rocks!!!!!
everton 3 - 1 man utd
totally made me smile.
football rocks, if only I could play with people who were my SIZE, then I can finally use some strength and tenacity when fighting for a ball.

thinking ahead

actually, I'm really scared... that if I do end up attached/married, I won't love my wife enough. We might end up miserable and quarrel all day. We might hate each other after awhile. I'll prob pull on those silent treatments to people I get sick of. I'm really scared that would happen. What if I don't love my partner enough?

sometimes, it might be better not to be married.

waiting for that letter. waiting for that answer

sad.
I hate goodbyes- I never could deal with them. How can someone be so used to setting off or leaving?!? Its really a gift- to be able to easily plug and unplug oneself onto different societies and settings.
stability is better, no need to dream of being that global citizen, that is not who I really am.
anyway, back to the main point, I am sad.

God will show the way
lighting my path
with His ray

please show the solution-
really lost: need conclusion, need resolution

sometimes all my plans and my scheme-
are just so stupid: they're not your means

I don't know what to do-
am just so lost: please pull me through

so...
resolution, conclusion,
that is from your means
as I pull through
Your beautiful scheme

CNY Chu Er

a prayer from one's mouth, man hears
a prayer from one's heart, God hears.

---
talk talk talk talk talk non-stop
is that what its all about?
how about being able to just connect with someone, without the need for words- just being right beside that person, knowing with full comfort, they've got your back.
is there a need to babble so much?

superhero nightmares

yesterday whilst sleeping off in the afternoon, I had a really weird dream: I was walking through a dark alley and upon reaching a bend, I saw an asian girl being tied up with a cloth stuffed up her mouth. She was surrounded by a bunch of ang-moh thugs who were obviously looking to rape and kill her.

as I stood there in shock, one of the thugs sniffed at me and told me to run along as though I didn't see the incident taking place at all. In my mind (within my dream of course), I was at a dillemma because I know something bad is going to take place should no one intervene.

so there I stood, firm on my feet, unwavering, yet taking no action other than gazing in fear and disbelief at the horror before me- because I probably didn't know how to react to those guys. (I think this part was super realistic because in real life, I prob wouldn't be so loud and dashing as how the tv heroes would often react, instead the my indecisive and fearful side of would step in and make me appear dumb and nonreactive on the outside, yet on the inside, my heart is pounding and justice is appealing to the mind for action. So that standing part seems really real to me.)

the thugs, taking the hint that this lone ranger isn't taking the escape route decide to take action, and before I know it, they have sent the whole gang chasing after my head also.

towards the end, I found myself trapped at some house backyard, collapsed on my knees hiding behind a wall with no more energy as I heard the bad guys coming for me. Then, Salvation came. I opened my eyes, and woke up from my dream. My character probably didn't make it, but I guess I did TRY to someone in distress, whether or not I succeeded is another story.

and...
I think I've had one too many afternoon naps

made a difference to that one

u r really a nice guy man
i think u r one of those good ppl that God send in difficult times
haha
esp army

thankssss, at least I know not all is wasted ;)

-------

I'm hurting... somewhere. There is an aspect within me that really needs healing and ministering to.
just can't pin-point it.

it looks like there is a slight CHANCE I will not be working here but overseas. ?Is this right.

ord rambles

I have emerged from this NS experience with some lessons learnt-
for one, it is realizing my limitations. It is to see how useless I really am. It is about realizing that some matters are completely not in your hands. It is also seeing at times how God just takes over and controls those situations, steering me out of the dangers- the miracle unfolding right before me.

army was filled with much worries and problems, and God definitely lets one go through all of it with His mercy- experiencing the downs and pains. But I really believe that this IS true: that God will not let me go through something greater than my threshold. When He knows that you can't take it any further, that hand of mercy will come in and get you out of the struggling pit. I believe this. I have experienced this so many times.
but I guess, its only in the struggle when one truly exercises their muscles. Getting out of a ditch requires a full range of muscles to be used as the person climbs and reaches up for safety. At the end of it, when I look at myself, I see how much God has unconsciously strengthened my entire being through the struggles. Inner strength is forged. True shape reveals. This is who I really am.

"this is the real Jeremy"
wow, profound words there, I was struck when you actually said that.

I don't know about the future, but I do know the One who holds it, and He is someone who loves you and only wants the best for you.

hi!!!

Happy new year, I miss you!
Back to camp, back to duties. 1 more month!!

prayer meeting

when you have Christ in your heart you are a missionary. People whose hearts do not have Christ are the mission field.

I have a passion for the lonely people. The people who are friendless and in the background.

fear

oh crap, I've got a cyst on my left wrist- it's the reason for all the pain and discomfort over this year. The doctor said I gotta go for surgery. Shit man, its the second time I've heard this word. This time though, I think I have to go for it, for the pain is really a hindrance. Surgery... sounds scary right?

in my thoughts every single day.

as time goes by

I feel so confused.
not a day goes by w/o having thought of you.
where do I stand, why do I feel like this?

it feels so liberating, finally to have released this- made known.
yet at the same time, nothing seems to have changed.
the fact is, I really do miss you. period.

hong Kong is beautiful.
(but so are you...)

ok that's about enough.
mind out.
...
it all doesn't make sense anyway
thinking rationally, I'm probably the only one feeling this light-headedness of a yearning desire. mutuality doesn't exist.
I was meant to fail.
WHY- I had probably crafted a fairytale out of nothing.
I am just too thick-skinned and, I do not understand the signs or lack of it.

dreams

twice I've chased and desired so much...
each time you've made me forget and even drained out all the infatuating emotions I've stored within.
This time...
Will you score a hattrick?

"I think it's just an infatuation"
"But there're so many other girls, why can't I like any of them?"

wish it was that easy, but its always the hardest things yield the most rewards in the end right?
I know you will supply.

Being sick sucks, when I look around at the other fellas, my natural fitness falls so short.

Jeremy Neo
Humanitarian, Social entrepreneur

no hits, all misses

I really love you guys. Family + you guys = my family

姚. says:
i know!
姚. says:
we seriously need to keep in touch after
姚. says:
i'm having the best time EVER in nsc
jeremy says:
yea, our group was the best
jeremy says:
dont know if working will ever be like that manz
俊礼. says:
let's start a company tgt
俊礼. says:
lol =D
jeremy says:
HAHAHA, with our culture
jeremy says:
we may go
jeremy says:
bust

mark lee, I'm gonna miss you man
and...

I miss you even more-
shouldnt be so gloomy though, at least, I had a chance to meet you. Thank God for the opportunity. It just raw emotion, but I really can't control it. How did you captivate me so very much? You caught me the first time we met.
When you like her, you can't help it. Even if you try to control or withhold, that attraction spills out from your very inner being. I keep scolding myself for having such feelings, but... what else can I do. Is there a ALT F4 button that I can simply press to dispel it all?
*smack smack smack, whack up friend.
"Actually she's not very pretty, you can get better"
"If I can have someone like her, I'll be super contented already"

All those glances, and all those smiles and harmless greetings were... exhilarating.

resolution for the week:

I will guard my mouth, and the words that come out of it.
I will give my speech some thought before lashing out meaningless banter.
I will speak only words to edify, and not harm.
for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

Matthew 12:34-37
A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.
But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

The crux of living one's life:

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.
For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.

granturismo

I love you.
absolute thing of beauty, I've never felt so much exhilaration going down at top speeds in a sports engine.




jilted. its so painful.

overflow

please come back to me... i miss you so much
this is my cry, that i could just be with you.
stay, right beside me.
I'll keep you safe,
I promise

Phillipians 4:19

All My Needs
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:19

I believe this verse is one of the most doubted verses in the Bible for Christians today. You show what you believe by what you do. Belief inspires action. If you believe God supplies all your needs, you will depend on him; if you do not believe that God supplies all your needs, then you will seek to supply your own needs. Belief inspires action.

I know that until I leave my fathers home, I can depend on being able to eat here. I know that the need of my stomach will be filled with groceries from this house as long as I live here. My action based on that belief is that I will eat here and not worry about it. If I was worried about it constantly, I would be showing my belief that my father was not sufficient in providing groceries by going out of the way to provide for myself.

I see people on a regular basis acting as though God does not see their needs, when the truth is, their "needs" are not what God sees as needs, but wants. Why does our lack of faith take over a situation that is simply God's job? Why do we act as though the need is not going to be supplied by our heavenly father? If my earthly father is faithful in supplying earthly needs to me, how much more is my heavenly father capable of supplying my needs? Not only does he supply my needs, he has an advanced knowledge of my grocery list! I do not even need to tell him what I need for him to know. He already does. Before I even ask for it, he is preparing to provide it.

Are his riches in glory ever going to be insufficient? Will he bounce the check of heaven on my little problems? There is no way, and it would be mad to suggest it! However, modern Christianity lives in an independent lifestyle that seeks a faithless provision to our needs by seeking to meet them through fleshly means. Do you realize that Satan is waiting for your independence from God's way so he can attack you with vices that you alone cannot handle?
Your self-dependent attitude makes you completely vulnerable to situations that only the power of God can help you through! Do not become self-sufficient and self-dependent, thinking that you can somehow manage this Christian life without the help of Christ, who was the ultimate example. Do not think that you can live a supernatural Christian life, following his steps, without Christ' power. That is simply mad!!

So that brings me to the point of this post.

Let God supply your needs. I am in a situation right now that requires ultimate dependence on God. I have no control, and therefore I am naming and claiming Phillipians 4:19. I need him to supply the need. I could make a knee-jerk decision to try to handle it myself, but that will only make matters worse. I need to depend on God!

Do you need money? Does God know that? Of course he does!! What doesn't he know? The answer is not to take matters into your own hands! If you're right with the Lord, pray and ask God to take control, admitting your incapability to handle the situation.

Now, God is not a bell-hop either! God does not watch his children muddle around and mess up a situation, only to run and bail them out when they realize what a mess they've made. If you have not honored God, do not expect him to save you from the consequences of your sin. That is not what is being written about in this post! I am talking about you being in situations that you cannot control and allowing God to do his job as your father.

Do you need a husband or wife? Who would know best when and who you need? Of course, God would!! If God knows best when you need to be married, and he knows best who you need to marry, shouldn't you just claim the promise of Phillipians 4:19 that God will supply that need?
When it's time, God will give you who you need, when you need them. And trust me, he knows best. I believe that. I personally have asked God to pick me out a wife! I'm not smart enough to know how to do that, and so God is in charge of it. He is well able!!

If I believe that promise, why should I try to "help" God out by taking steps outside of his guidance? Why would I flirt with someone, knowing that God has a very special young lady that he has chosen for me? Why would you? Is God not able? If he is able, and he has not given you direction on it, then you should not be meddling; it is obviously not the right time!

The best part is, when God supplies, you know it was God! When my financial situation pans out just fine, I know who to thank! "Thank you, Lord, for your help!"
And when God puts his approval on Miss Wonderful and says, "Psst! She's it!" I'll know it's God's doing. Because, after all, isn't it he that supplies these needs?

It's as simple as this: Let God be God! Let God supply your needs! He's surely worth trusting.
(stolen from some person's blog)

Riddles

Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.


What a sad day.
Leaving.
Midnight football.
Darkness.
It's over

Good job Jeremy

I like bridges... alot alot. I dont know why.

I can run. I did it today!!

thanks

my blog: a place to rant, an outlet for emotional words and unlimited squirming opportunities where I would otherwise not express in the physical world.
I realise whenever I post stuff in a frequent manner, its due to both boredom and being emo charged.

so far, there hasnt been a string of posts, so that's really good.
It's really been that good.
This post isn't about any rants or complaints, nor will I throw anger or sadness in.

Its all about... gratitude
I haven't said told you how thankful I am to You for awhile, haven't I?

For all the joys
For my job and a totally unique experience in the army
For favor
For friends
For giving me the best boss ever
For the 8-5
For the chance to sleep on my own bed every night
For family
For material wealth
for everything

For the weekends
for the chance to freely express Christianity
For ALWAYS coming through for me
Thanks

For all the crap I have done,
for totally shortchanging you,
for sinning,
yet your love and favor still shines upon me.

Thank you so much

Regards
3SG Jeremy Neo
Ops Spec, NSC
HQ Guards
(work e-signature)

new hope community services

new hope? I got no hope, can you give me some hope?
-donator on the street

flag day was really fun, and meaningful. I felt tired, but happy. Really, I didnt expect much from it, just answered the call to help. It's hard not to respond to it, for me, that is.

back to life in mono... here it comes again. I can't wait for another break in june. I hope to be filled up, with meaning.

you fill up my senses, la la la la...

at Home...

but feeling so sick.
so many nights with no sleep... I feel absolute shit.

really really really really hate that man. He is pure evil. I wish he'd just die.
screw this whole week man.

------------



----------

lament

looking ahead, life seems a blur, an uncertain path, and it leaves me feeling... fearful. well, at times. I'm quite scared, when there's time to sit down and think, I feel fearful, always wondering, always reviewing: whether I'll make it through, whether everything will be ok. Weighing up all the possibilities, I scrutinize the various outcomes and calculate very closely the chances of the the best possible scenario happening. And then, I sweat over it, and pray for SALVATION... over the matter. Sometimes during these points, I wish I had a fast forward option, I could just glance ahead and know, ahhh, it turned out ok didn't it? Now why was I so fearful then. It was ok, all along, its always been fine...
can I just have some audible assurance... tell me right now, that everything will be ok.

if only...

[His ways are not our ways, but His way is always best]

however, there is much beauty in life that can be appreciated, if not for that fear stuck in my throat and guts, its very hampering. It is only when I am fearless once again, can life truly be lived.

hahaha, and YOU, what happened to temple building??

090409

One year on...

don't write me off just yet

1989

...kids... I used to think of them. Just a bunch of pple with such short thinking and narrow mindsets.

all just a bunch of kids I'm with...
yet, I've grown to actually like them- from my lil buddy and bro whom I actually cared and loved so much in bmt, to my fellow colleagues now in my branch. It's even amazing that out of us 4 specs, 3 are Christian... maybe He wanted to get me back on track, it was all going wrong.

for sure, army will bring out the worse in a person's character, and I've seen the worse in some, and they've prob also seen me bad. Christians fall, there aren't any saints. But at the end of the day, I hope I can grow to love the person more, and understand that it's the system that forces one to act in a way they would not usually act.

I've got a great boss.

one of them had asked me before- don't you feel childish being among us? They see the degree as the separation point- you've been there done that. what else is there to achieve?
what else?
relationships.

maybe... just maybe, I may get something very valuable out of this stupid army time.
I may get friends, and people I actually know and love.

and no, I actually don't feel childish being amongst you all.
and, I actually find the wrestles, tussles, tau poks and fights in the office quite... exhilarating
and, finally, it's all good
cos I look your age too :)

But this is a place where I feel so far away. I can't deny that.
I've realised, that I'm not the knight, or zealot that I wished I was, or painted myself to be.
See, I've learnt. ;)

HE Never fails

The Call of Abram

¹ The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

² "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.

³ I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."

⁴ So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. ⁵ He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

⁶ Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. ⁷ The LORD appeared to Abram and said, "To your offspring I will give this land." So he built an altar there to the LORD, who had appeared to him.

⁸ From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. ⁹ Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.

-------------

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things (Philippians 4:6-8 NKJV).

----

pierced by the things that may happen tomorrow, scared of the future.
'Will I make it out alive??'
I am always fearful.

But creator God has never failed me. I look back and see so many promises, desires fulfilled, blessings bestowed... why would He ever fail? He has promised assurance. Yet sometimes this assurance can always be clouded out, when drowned into the circumstances, hassles and worries of the world.

smite

it prob means nothing, how can my pain be compared to many others out there who'er REALLY suffering. mine is nothing compared to theirs, it prob isn't classified as pain on their terms. its really nothing i count for nothing. Laugh it off man, its not even pain. no sweat.

todayIfell

...first sign of fever after 1.5+ yrs
does depression, sadness and negativity cause the physical mind to be sick? question will and resolve.

"You'er... Ho Kua Bo Ho Jia"
-Dad
SO TRUE

what is my point

...and so ensues the ongoing lament

why do I exist

people base their value on their assets, their jobs, their financial muscle, their looks, their charisma, their influence, their popularity, their god...
I know I know, God is my centre and I should find joy and contentment there

maybe its all head knowledge, because my heart is sin, whacked up and full of crap.
I deserve to just die.

sorry.

how can I even be of good, when I don't even believe in myself.

over a year on...

------

I am now updating this blog because a certain aunty says that its growing cobwebs. Well, not literally... so I guess its cyber cobwebs right? But ehhhh, arent all blogs 'webby' since they'er all on the world wide WEB. That means every WEBsite has a SPIDER in it! Oh no that's dangerous man- we should always have (cyber) insect repellents everytime we surf the interNET huh?

A Public Apology

SORRRRRRYYY!!!!!!!!

missionTrip2008

was the best.
the hardest part? going back to resume my life. Death? well, it'd have been glorious to have died during that time- a good end to life. But no, my life still continues, I still breath. Death would be an easy option. I guess there's still stuff I have to learn and work that I have yet to complete... Look around, and try to find beauty and light in a time where everything is unkind and depressing.

-----
"Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle." -God in bruce almighty.

guess there is always a little hero in all of us, waiting to rise up and do good, not for the sake of applause, but to fulfill our original nature of a God-image.

Too many times I've planned...

...To be much more than who I am

how come I am powerless?
how come work seems important and the person with work seems important. take a step back and I realize that it is all worthless to me. There is no joy.
validated, powerful, free, special. I know all that, but my feelings betray it.
I ain't worth it.

reach him...

he's 23
he's got a younger sister, aged 20, also mentally challenged
his mom's a cashier
his dad's a train operator
he lives in sengkang
he studied computing for 5 years at poly
he's into mobile phones and its functionality
he likes power rangers...

he has to mean something, even though we humans see no worth. screw worth.

somewhere in the middle...

..You'll find me

somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
somewhere between who I was and who You're making me

its all fun and games, but I will look back at this time knowing that I didn't stand up for what was right. In fact, I was part of the act. I picture his parents there, how will they feel if they see their poor son in such a situation. Yet, nothing within me musters enough courage or passion to stand up and fight. I only can reflect on what has happened and know that I didn't do anything.
helpless- I just can't do it, not the right person. coward
I take it all back. heroism is dead. I ain't alive anymore

happy Birthday- 15 Oct 2008

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

It’s only the air you took...

and the breath you left.
accept it, you mean nothing significant anymore. ACCEPT IT.

tired..

battered fighter

really am.

faith(ful)(tan)... to the little things

(1) pertains to traits like being loyal and steadfast
(2) a good friend and fellow bowling buddy ;)
hahahaha, ok joking faith, sorry for using your name in vain.

the past few weeks in the army has all been about the mundane, the dull, and the activities we call 'sai kang', i.e, just the stuff that you totally do not wish to do- with every fiber of your body. There's no way to arouse sensations of enthusiasms to such activities like moving rubbish, carry un-ergonomical objects, heavy loads, doing sentry, fake VIP, wardens, guard, hot sun, sweaty stuff... if you are truly able to feel glad in these things then you'er an unnatural human being and should go out more often to see that the world has much more beauty than that.

but having that said, with these activities, you'll also meet the shirkers- the ones who just run from them. When it comes to having to carry a table/box/chair, stuff happens. Suddenly, their backs start rumbling up and they feel a degeneration in their spine [Hours later, I'll suddenly see these dudes in the gym struting their muscles with perfect backs and biceps]. How I always curse you guys in my mind and with my words ever so often. I wished you died on the spot and... sorry.

sai kang down to me again. OH I complain about the task. OH how it really really sucks to do this all day/week/month. utterly mindless. But in the midst of the useless/meaningless hours, I realise another paradigm view from all these activities. A very clear message that speaks into my conscience: be faithful in these little things, because if you aren't able to be faithful in these, your character will not allow you to take on any other heavier responsibilities other than having to tie your shoe every morning. Listen jeremy, I know its really tough, but you gotta see it always from a bigger picture. remember?
-I shall not be validated from an earthly system! I will become even more undignified than this! It's time to once again, put words into practice.

night falls... another mindless week awaits me. the days diminish my spirit, my being draws close to sin and my mouth develops poison again. sustain me.

---
welcome Am(elin) to my blog, its great to hear from you! I'm so glad that you somehow managed to find encouragement in my words, that itself encourages me too! How's my favorite expert chef in Melbourne doing these days man? ;) I def did not forget about our times in Sydney too, in fact I was reminiscing those days with Winston just a couple of weeks back when I managed to meet up with him. He sends his regards.

today I feel like I'm just one mistake away...

...from You leaving me this way
---

true strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. So long as you think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for?

to do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do—to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst—is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed. (The Sacred Journey)

where a man's wound is that is where his genius will be
-John Eldredge

sanctuary

---
last week was super good, I got to go out with dora, uncle anthony and lala to celebrate their birthdays. Even managed to see avonne off thanks to one fast driving john chee in a subaru.

my soul now to stand

now this blog is starting to become muddled with one liner posts and small chunks of sentences that seem to speak in riddle. maybe that's a reflection of my internal state right now- chaos. The past few days have been super (and that's as good a word I can muster), since I've spammed all of my 'off in-lieus' at one go to create such a blissful weekend.
during this time, I got a chance to see all the people I've known and loved and actually spend time to talk to them, loosen up. Awesome stuff.

miss you Bell, I know you'll read this and I just replied your email so don't scold me the next time we chat online, which will be really soon yah. Final year sux but hey man, look at the past 2 years- you've come so far already :D
miss you Matt (ma-te-uuu accordin to chinese tutor language), glad you 'rediscovered my blog and maybe you'd read this again some time. Singapore flyer was an awesome time together with Sam and Joel. Truly a time off to see Singapore from a perspective again that's beautiful, and i didnt just mean the view...

real Christians, real People [quote learned from Campus Crusade, Metamorphosis 2007]
there's no such thing as a conversation in real life that's like that of the movies and there'll always be the imperfections in relationships. And there are in fact many people or Christians who are trying to live that on-screen style perfect life, where everything is always perfect, the happiness is always high, the mood is always good, the grass is always green, pitch perfect, clean language, non-smoking zones, doing church week in week out. Anything less then that is regarded with disdain. But is that what it really means to live life? Look around you and you'll see so many people who are really, broken. Where do they stand? If you want to keep that perfect life, where will these people get their help from? Be real.

----
Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the most faint and mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. ... He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. ... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
- The Screwtape Letters, by C.S Lewis

numb

I don't know me anymore...
why do I feel so meaningless? what have I become- rewired to fear and submission
no joy, just bleakness.

one deep breath, as I continue the plunge.
descend...

why do I feel nothing anymore

let my honor be upheld through these times
no lies...

my best

The time that I have left
is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet, Lord
It's less than You deserve
And though I've little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave Your life for me
So, I will live my life for You

I haven't seen her in ages, she took so good care of me before.
but today when I saw her, I couldn't even remember her name. We talked briefly and caught up for awhile.
before she left, her embrace said it all. I felt total warmth and that love she always gives.

on this island I promise to build Your temple...

...was it good enough?

I will learn from this

Regina Spektor - The Call


this song springs up at the last part of Narnia and is also the best part of the movie- why? because it shows the 4 kids having to leave... forsake a life of greatness and kingship, to accept going back into a world where they are lowly, to accept going back into a life of drudgery again- From kings to a mere highschool students. It is a big fall.
yet, they still do it, after talking to the lion. Isn't it what gave them the conviction to go back? The talk with Jesus, as He tells you that it is best to step off that great life that you're living and so comfortable with, where everything is for you... to step off and take the plunge into that unknown passageway that leads into a life that's not very appealing.
I have to plunge into something I dread. But He knows what is best.

walking into a rich house, seeing the sports cars and the many, many other well-priced cars... they could build so many churches with those things! They could've used it for a greater, far more worthwhile cause.

if i can't be a missionary, let me be a martyr
I will become even more undignified than this.

botak is temporary, handsome is forever...

the saying amongst the bald men who live on the island.

Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
no matter what, I want to be able to say this confidently too.
...temple building is hard work.

tears

what have i done
they all hate me now...

how did it end up like this
to feel wrath from one is bad enough
but to feel the wrath of so many people
gut wrenching

how now?
how can a rejected person be used?

are You still with me

there is pleasure in watching pain

I have survived the jungles!! but this week holds another outfield visit- 3 days, 2 nights (sit test). Please keep this super unsoldier fella in prayer.

help me to to be a 'human being' rather than a 'human doing'- always trying to justify my worth with power and actions. It is only by your enabling that I will be able to do so and rise above it all. I have tried to hard to be a Christian, but have I been trying as hard to pursue and chase Your very heart at this point? Out of the wreckage I will rise. Inspired to live simply knowing that I'm held in Your love and that's all that matters.

will miss you loads...

struck down, not destroyed

pain. am currently limping. I have sprained my ankle from jumping off the ramp during soc. I need to be well before going outfield.
outfield outfield. this is it... 6 days in the jungles. God, when I go into the jungle, help to to be rambo.

on jacob's ladder I plant a cross

starting small...
I've managed to gather 3 other Christian bros within my platoon to form a lil prayer grp. Please pray that for us, that we'll be able to meet up to share, confide and keep each other strong in prayer as we draw close to God during a time where circumstances and emotions scream against Him.

the next 2 weeks are quite tiring and probably gonna be the toughest time yet- this week is live range (which may not sound that bad) and after that is 6 days out in the jungles (which sounds really bad). Please pray for me, for I am still dealing pretty badly with the HOT weather- My last outfield trip was a disaster cos I actually blacked out and had to be taken to rest. (honestly, that was the scariest moment in my army experience so far) I am going to need His strength and favor.
I know I know He won't fail me.
God will not allow you to go through something greater than what you can handle. My bro told me this, that if He has allowed you to go into the jungles, then surely, He has given you sufficient grace to get through it. I'm clinging onto Him.

now off I go again... If you're a civilian and reading this, please... send encouragements, send updates [on your civilian lives], send hope, send prayers, for I am in need of much uplifting. thanks.

when Jesus was on the cross, He lost everything, but Jesus was not lost.
let it be so, that whilst people scream for success, for the spotlight, for the intent of being seen, I'll do likewise. In everything I do, I stand for Him. I'll follow the Son. It is easy to write this, but how easy it is when one is at total fatigue, when every part of you is destroyed, when your mind and your actual body movements actually show a momentary lag... now then, let actions speak louder than words.

don't fail me now my lady

Psalm 34
1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

falling...

Falling is the first thing I feel.
Distant voices echo inside my head.
Their orders are clear,and yet all I can think about is the others.
Remiel
Uriel
Amitiel
Ithuriel
Raphael
Michael
Each one traveled the same path.
What was their fate?
What awaits me on the other side?
They have gone to a place where the light is cursed and darkness blinds the soul.
This is a place where even angels fear to tread.

Forgive me.

close my eyes...

remember no cries, just mental pictures of happy times.


the ascension to a higher plane...
3 months of dwelling there ...
blissfulness…
but it is now time to come down…
to step back into the valleys of life

the last 2 weeks...oh I should’ve already been in the army by then, but what a turnaround- despondency turned to joy as I had been given the chance to complete bible school properly. How I fought so hard just to get those last 14 days. You may ask… was it worthwhile?
most definitely!
I have experienced the 3 months in Full, and now, I go on to the next phase of life knowing God has blessed and built me during that time in preparation to move on. I will be fully equipped and ready for what He'll lead me to next.

------

where I go, no one will follow. I go it alone.
where I go seems all bleak and hazy, and no one will come with me
metaphorically, I feel like I’m plunging into an abyss.
With eyes shut and my entire state being filled with fear and uncertainly, I take the jump, hoping that He’ll catch me when I fall, because at this point, I don’t know how else I will be delivered.
filled with frailties and negativity, I’ll jump, placing trust in strength and optimism that is not from me.
where I go, you don’t follow.

If I be broken, let your prayers engulf me.

eternity

oh its been so long.
my last post was meant to give glory to God for my exam results. I think I have failed to glorify Him as much as I could have, shortchanging what He's given me in the process. What an ungrateful being I can sometimes be... shouldn't I have been so compelled to just shout for joy and praise God in worship. He deserved so much more.

snippets of thoughts a couple of days of arrival back home:
hi, its me. i'm back in SIN. am I ready for the next phase of life? mentally, I doubt it. There is the little part of my mind, just somehow creating a wild hope, a little spark that does not refuse to carry on. As if I'm still a student, telling my entire self that, i'd still somehow return to melbourne. that part of me is strong... it manifests itself in my habits, like im still refusing to unpack my stuff, as if i'd only be around for a little while, before flying off again.
the silent depression and tears in my heart. only that no one knows how i feel. All the sighs when i'm moving around. no, it doesnt mean that i'm sad to be around family and friends, but i just really miss my previous life. A resident alien? i have grown accustomed to both the lands. Mastery of cross culture. both have become my homegrounds. I have to choose... do i already know my choice?

Goodbye,
SIGH
i look ahead once again towards a new phase in life, and honestly, I feel so afraid and uncertain.... but faith does not go by feelings. and that the important thing is who i am in God, and not what i will become
currently, feelings... overwhelmed
friends... miss them so much
future... bleak
weather... not helping

give me the strength to soldier on...
I know his blessings have been upon me, it always has. I am aware of it all the time... let my expression manifest it

....
its been so many 3 mths already. How time flies.
God is amazing

thank you God!

I give the glory back to You

this time Jesus ...

...how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through between the altar and the door

how come the sudden interest? I was never in your group anyway. Where did the kindness come from? You used to scorn people like me. You actually treat people like dirt. I remember my friends, you weren't one of them.

pain...

“True love is when you have to watch a friend leave, with the knowledge that you might never see him again. But you know he'll be in your mind and heart forever.”

Bell, I miss you

break my heart for what breaks yours...

everything I am for your kingdom's cause

I wish... that time would just stand still, that everything remains as it is, just for now. stay. stay the same and let nothing change.
its ironic isn't it, I'm suffering at this very instance, yet I don't want time to go on.

on a more practical sense, I guess I do need more hours to study.

worries worries worries. 'I guess I'm a worrier, that's why my friends call me whiskers...'
am I alright? what will happen? will it work out? will I pass? success? are my needs met? is there love? and joy? is the best behind me? do I go it alone...?
I'm not feeling it. rise me above the storm, above life, where I can see from a holistic picture. just to know...
but is there any good in knowing?

did I really mean it when I wrote first line...
it all seems so contradictory.
I have professed so much in words, but have my actions backed them up? or is it just a case of not doing what you preach.

exam routines are great: breakfast at lunch and dinner at supper. sleep is weird. breaks are frequent. thoughts go haywire.
Praise Him.

let this post be an oct one

so ends uni and my final semester.
I wanted to write about what's been happening lately... and the events of october but unfortunately, the exams have arrived and I was too lazy prior to that to update the post. bugger.
Now, I write this in a state of tiredness and my mind refuses to remember anything eventful at all... not that my life hasnt been eventful, its been fantastic so far. Lovin it.
I guess I'm kindda sad at the revelation of a one final departure from Melbourne. I hate to say this, but this place has also become home to me. I mean, I literally grew through my entire youth here, from 16 to 22. Its become familiar, and the future... seems uncertain- What I do not know, I fear. Coming and going as an international student used to be really fearful, as one has to cope with changes and new experiences all the time. I used to be really really scared of that. Now, I'm leaving that stage, and moving on.
ayy. just as I've grown accustomed to taking on the persona of an international student, it is now time to move on. God's bringing me forward once again, to another uncharted chapter of life. But I know deep down, I am so much stronger than I used to be. The battle is all in the mind.
I feel so sad leaving friends here, especially my my brothers and sisters at church. Why God? why did you allow people to come into my life, only to separate and take them out of my life again. I love them God... deep down I already know the solution- He holds the answers.

love the pair of running shoes they bought for me. Its so sentimental now. In it, holds the power of my friends. I see their love. I see their investment in me. The power of my shoe will spur me on when I run. The power of my friends.

as I write this, it is the 11th of Nov. I've got 2 more papers this coming thurs and fri. I am Least prepared for those, as I've put so much effort into the first 2. scared and stressed. Just praying for divine intervention and blessings.

how come I don't feel at all excited about going home? (Lav, I know you're gonna hit me for saying that) How come I see the future and it looks so hazy. How come the outlook is so bleak. That was not what I had in mind when I first set off to study. The mindset has changed: what happened to the plan of just 'hanging in there' and holding out for the nxt couple of years for the sake of education? It's not like that anymore. I saw so much promise in home. where is that promise...
be positive.

1

didnt want to see her go
but it had to happen
but it shouldnt even be happening.
I am doing something so wrong.

rescue oh Lord, to think less of me, and more of You.

Search my O God and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties
And see if there is any wicked way in me
And lead me in the way everlasting

help me to worship and love you God, even if every ounce of my flash refuses to
I offer devotion. restore passion, restore my mind, to be compelled to reach out for you

stone

sorry for being passionless. please help me in my life.
I'm held by You, only You. Nothing in this world is secure.

till I see you face to face and grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you

need running shoes!
it might help me remember how to run
I can't run.

reminiscing great times

I wanna go for another awesome Hillsong conference!!!!

Tuesday (video blog):


Wednesday (video blog):


Friday (whole conference highlight):


Chris Tomlin's 'How great is our God' after Louie Giglio's sermon:

note to self

MUST remember Lav's birthday

All of the Above

Devotion - Hillsong United

I've been running, trying to be one who sees
I've been working, salvation out on my knees
There is nothing better than knowing
That we are redeemed
Unbelieving trusting in creative hands,
I am praying for our world to bow to your plan
And this one thought is unmistakable
I take up my cross and follow you Lord

When you stand the tall trees and mountains bow
When you speak the fiercest of oceans is still
And I see the sinner seek devotion
The lost become chosen, and I fall to my knees

I'm forgiven, my savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and I was lost in shamefulness
I'm delivered, but it doesn't seem right
Unless I keep my eyes focused on the savior who gave his live
In the middle of a world that denies it believes
It is breaking apart at the very seams
There is one thing to be alive for
And it's to take up my cross and follow you Lord

I will take up my cross and follow Lord where you lead me
And I will take up my cross and follow wherever you go

----

music is so powerful

euphoria

so many hours of study put into this subject.

entrepreneurial finance... over! oh the elation

that's 1/2 the exams gone.

-----

they were going to kill her? oh how could they do that? to someone so beautiful
"how do I get to the courts?" I kept shouting to my friend
I needed to get there, to see her one last time...

thank god, I did. an embrace. a farewell. an exchange of words.
"I love you and goodbye"
she gave me her final possessions before departing forever:
3 $100 dollar notes
1 $10 note
2 handphones
1 note

she is gone, and I will never see her again

studying?

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if y ou can raed tihs forwrad it.

we need people

'are you hot?'
I'll always ask Matt whenever I'm sitting with him, and he'll always give an answer in relation to meteorological factors forgetting that the ques also poses a double meaning along the egoistic side. Well, its good fun and everyone ends up laughing in the end.
other more crude questions include "do you like sax?" [-a-phone] or "where's your g-string?" [when one is playing a guitar]

but tonight, he asked me the same thing, flipping the question around:
Matthew says:
you know how your fav phrase is are you hot? it gets me thinking are you hot for someone...
jem says:
huh? why r u thinking so deep?
jem says:
ok wait. matt = hot...but, -1 for being accountant (nerd), -1 for being pastor's son, -1 for wearing glasses, -1 for not being able to touch toes, -1 for thinking too deep.
jem says:
thus, matt = nerd
...
...
...
jem says:
well, your ques was am i hot for someone?
jem says:
i like to say im hot for God, but assignments and now study seems to just take my mind off him alot and just seem so stuck into it
Matthew says:
what a wise answer

and with that, he continued on and gave me a great deal of encouragement.
...
...
Matthew says:
its easy to get engrossed in other stuff that just crowds God out of it
Matthew says:
me included
Matthew says:
taht's why we need to fellowship with other faithfilled bros and sisters! cause iron sharpens iron

at the moment, I'm at zero passion and my mind is just racing, always worrying about circumstances.
but in the words of Matt "why go it alone when God has given you friends to help you thru"

how true.

defeat

stayed up till 3am to do an assignment- thought I take a quick 1.5hr nap before waking up for the euro finals, but I never heard the alarm go off (must've been too tired). CRAPPPP.
missed the match live ! what kind of fan am I.

so what did I do?
basically shut myself out from the world. covered my ears every time I heard something about the game. didnt go on the internet (only UNI email). didnt touch the tele... till it was time for the 2nd telecast to be screened.

gosh, we lost. I only knew the pain 10hours later.

--
exams are coming up, please pray for me.

the last monday of 7hr non-stop classes

and with that, the last monday of the sem is over. The last time I'll go for a monday packed with 7 hours of classes non-stop (10-5pm) and getting finance bashed. As for meals, managed to squeeze sushi and doughnuts into e 15min lect intervals, so it was pretty good fun, but tiring nonetheless, when the day's finally over.

week 12 already!!!!
gosh... flying.

and 10 more days to official winter. sigh, The weather's just took a turn the past week from beautiful sunny to harsh cold. I don't like winter. Freeze

being Christian

on thurs, I saved this girl on the tram- she was beside me and we were both standing when suddenly the tram just jerked to a halt (wat lousy driver). she lost her balance and fell. As she was falling, I stuck out my arms and she fell right on them! so I caught her and brought her up nicely. Score.

need to RemembeR

downgraded my plan from $33 to $29 (which gives me only $24 call credit)
makes my call fees rise by 0.1cents
got 100 free SMSes
got roll-over
got $8 extra credit (which gives a total call credit of $32)

credits get spent first, then the rollover then the extra credits.
if I need to terminate the plan, I will have to downgrade the number from a plan to a prepaid
or I could transfer ownership to anyone else. RREMEMBERR


was preparing for bible study on Friday until that optus lady barged into my life with a call to address my expiring plan- that stripped off a cool 1/2 an hour.

preparing for bible study is like research. quite fun at times. It makes it easier that my cell follows a biblestudy guide (albeit a crappy one accordin to my boss, ahahaha), that the leader can follow to lead the discussion.
"Who is in control", "Why does God allow suffering", "Why do the wicked prosper". Gosh, the more I delve into the topic, the more insight I get, asking more questions. Anticipating a bible/discussion bashing session. I'm sure of this, cos I Do Not have all the answers...
Look God, at the end of the day, you're DA Man. nothing changes that.

NO sleep

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I couldn't sleep last night! ! !
watched 'the machinist' and it made me toss in bed all night, gripped in fear and thoughts.
oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.
its one of those those disturbing thriller movies, very similar to fight club (or 'the number 23', if you've watched it recently). how one man's insomnia and guilt warps reality... makes everything so creepy
I found it so friggin disturbing!!

thank God I wasn't a goner when I went to church this morning (in the show, the guy didn't sleep for 1 whole year, is that even possible man)

but Christian Bale is seriously da man. He lost soo much weight just for that role in the film (like 62 pound loss to 121 pounds) and had to gain it back in a couple of months to get the part of Batman. what an insane actor.

anyways, its another monday tomorrow and once again, DECLARING it a VICTORIOUS week in God.

machinist... gosh
peace OUT

bashed ;|

3 hours of Entrepreneurial finance = uni bashed, its no wonder i find mondays so hard
(mondays = slam day, understanddd??)

oh man, did i make a mistake?? EntrepFinance is friggin hard.

amazing grace

"My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace"

thank you God!!
for grace and saving one so undeserving
help me to love You more.
I declare another victorious week ahead in your name, striving to just live it for You

Lionel Messi ! ! !

Barcelona 2-0 Getafe Messi Goal
Uploaded by chalermwech

He wants my all...

how much do you love Me? The answer must be ALL
Love me with ALL of you.
Cleansing me once again- a new creation, the old has gone. Remember this when turning to the old ways. You're a NEW creation, the old is GONE.
Love me with ALL

He speaks.

off color

came home from church today and simply crashed... total blackout!
really, really hoped that I didn't screw up drumming- that we managed to facilitate God's people into worship, cos at the end of the day...

sigh, I pray once again, asking God to draw me closer to Him... always drawing me to Him
found a song:
"here in your courts
where I'm close to your throne
I've found where I belong"
there's no where else I want to be.
I LOVE you God, I LOVE you God, I love you God. teach me to LOVE you even MORE.

...
felt so angry w myself for cutting my hair... its so crap. Talking to Matt about my fuss, he told me to take comfort that he's bald...
Jem: do you wear a cap?
Matt: sometimes. mostly no.. i just wear my confidence.hahaha

booya

....
there's quite a number of assignments due this week. I'm especially worried about our presentation tomorrow... really hope my group does well. urgh, finance, I dread it, yet every year I choose to do it. It's a love-hate relationship
God, please help to in my work.

it's the second half of semester one, and in confidence, I proclaim it to be a GREAT period. He's with me, always.

sigh sigh

just the worst today....

zero love, zero passion just wont get me past a monday.
I need more!!!

why does it have to get dark so early
sigh sigh sigh

To live is Christ....


Never Give Up

God, please help me

No one, or nothing else can

gui ji

zen me yin cang wo de bei shang
shi qu ni de di fang
ni de fa xiang san de cong mang
wo yi jing gen bu shang

bi shang yan jing hai neng kan jian
ni li qu de hen ji
zai yue guang xia yi zhi zhao xun
na xiang nian de shen ying

ru guo shuo fen shou shi ku tong de qi dian
na zai zhong dian zhi qian wo yuan yi zai ai yi bian
xiang yao dui ni shuo de bu gan shuo de ai
hui bu hui you ren ke yi ming bai

wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wang ji ni
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
xiang zhe na yi tian hui you ren dai ti
rang wo bu zai xiang nian ni
wo hui fa zhe dai ran hou wei wei xiao
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
you xiang le yi bian ni wen rou de lian
zai wo wang ji zhi qian

xin li de yan lei mo hu le shi xian
ni yi kuai kan bu jian

laugh out loud

I HAVE Internet!!!

no more late nights with my good fren the china man!

it came in a parcel... packaged. A gift from the God! (purposely left out the 's' although it sounds better with it)
yayyyy

I HAVE a landline!

...and soon to have ADSL connected at my home (oooh yea! x2)
its about time man, service in Australia Crawlss.

mondays are horrible- 7 hours of lessons non-stop. I've started lunching in the lecture hall itself. chomping on my sandwich in the midst of younger peers, I've realized how far I've come. Behold, I, an ancient dinosaur year 5 student! [yikes] getting old man...

Man, everyone's so hard working! I need to click into student mode.
... school's barely started and here I am thinking about easter, holidays and the trip to Sydney. urgh, slap. I think I've been in here for too long.

Update

uni's began, which is finally about time. My brain's in total chaos, studying once again will be a task. Well, the only hard subject looks like entrepreneurial finance which seems to have a fair bit of math, formulas, theories and number crunchin, but hey, I've been there, done that... Others like entrepreneurial ventures, product and brand management (a prev NUS lecturer) and HR management seem pretty alright.

I stayed till 12am at my fac on monday just to use the internet, which gives me nerd status already for being a rare breed of student who stays at uni till wee hours on the very first day of school. Other titles and expressions I got about this matter via msn were 'mad' 'crazy person' and 'what da heckkk???'.
a 2nd year dude who helped me setup my wireless connection whilst I was there was going like 'woah, don't worry, when I was in First Year, I was also very blur about this sorta thing, you'll get to know all these things after awhile... what year are you in by the way?' woah lao eh, dude, I'm like 5th year man, super old and veteran already. He must be like "what the heck?!?! this guy's 5th year and still so blur", but no, he's a china man, so that phrase will probably be in chinese: "na ge ren yi jing study 5 nian le, hai shi na me blur, shi zai wu yao ke qiu[fit any cheng yu here]"

sigh, I'll never be accustomed to live in 2 places. Its really really strange how I can leave Singapore feeling so SAD when I was like so keen to come back here in the first place. Leaving Melbourne to Singapore=SAD, leaving Singapore to Melbourne=SAD. arrrrrrrgggghhhh. why why why
only God can make sense of these sort of situations. I mean, as humans, its quite hard to understand why he allows us to disconnect with people at a time when we wish they'd be able to be with us. Be it going overseas, breakups, separation etc. But, He sees the bigger picture of it all. We may feel disheartened and sad about the situation, of course. It's only normal. But he wants us to put our faith on him, knowing that he'd guide us on to a brighter future, even though everything around seems bleak and somewhat impossible. Now this is the extra step we must take, on top of that sadness and separation. As I kept pursuing him in prayer, his assurance to me was found in Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It's his promise to me now and I'll cling onto to it forever...

same story once again, I've been SICK and RECOVERING. usual usual usual!!! Always sick, and always in the midst of recovering, before getting into another virus attack yet again.

and I still do not have an internet connection...yet.

LAVINIA, COME TO MELBOURNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've got NO internet

for now....

currently at ICT bulding (my faculty), leeching off its wireless connection. It's getting late... won't be long now... before the security dude's gonna chase me out.

oh, Hello world, I'm fine!! sorry Sa TAN, I'll overcome.

Weather's been hot, I've got diahorrea and sore throat. I think it was frm yesterday's food at the dodgy footscray road stalls.
It was great though, there was still the feel of CNY festvity at the fair, despite leaving home.

when going down, its the people around you that bring you back up. Thanks so much.

couple more days...

soon, I'll be leaving again...

irrational hopelessness.
some fear.
clinging to the past as one does not dare face the future.

please help me to psych my body up into a proactive mode. I need that push, that extra thrust... my energy levels are far too low.

packing early is never possible. My room's in a state of chaos. Objects everywhere, all waiting to be attended to.

but hey, I've done this so many times already.



CNY was so late this year! Thank God I'm always around for it. It was great. I Love my cousins. Now to get my hands on those family photos...

Are you ready?

1 more week... its almost time
don't worry, I have super healing powers (or not)

the holidays have basically flown by once again, with too much relaxation + too little brain + physical activities. Yes, it's a good time for 1 more year of studies...

that calls for adjustments once again. adaptation. There is a need for stability, after living a nomad's life for far too long. Too many changed venues and relationships. Stop.

it's when you're in-between that tears. Advice was to decide on one and commit to it. I think I never did. But it brought me to this point: that both I love. But in doing so, I became a ghost, never material in one.

I hate the voices in my head. I hate that lethargy. But I'm gonna miss alot too. There was never a need to fight inner demons, when you have the fellowship of people that edify.

am I ready?

relationships

when meeting a Christian, a fellow brother or sister, we Edify.
when meeting a non-believer, one who doesn't know salvation, we Evangelize.
simple.
...
and welcome Faith to my blog!! thanks for agreeing to redesign this boring site. lol
...
oh, and Singapore just beat Thailand 2-1. What a great penalty!!!! I came back in time to see the Thai team protest and sulk at the ref. They were even about to leave the pitch! where's the sportsmanship man

above life

O God, be Thou exalted over my possessions. Nothing of earth's treasures shall seem dear unto me if only Thou art glorified in my life. Be Thou exalted over my friendships. I am determined that Thou shall be above all, though I must stand deserted and alone in the midst of the earth. Be Thou exalted above my comforts. Though it mean the loss of bodily comforts and the carrying of heavy crosses, I shall keep my vow made this day before Thee. Be Thou exalted over my reputation. Make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result I must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream. Rise, O Lord, into Thy proper place of honour, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my health and even my life itself. Let me decrease that Thou mayest increase; let me sink that Thou mayest rise above. Ride forth upon me as Thou didst ride into Jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to Thee, 'Hosanna in the highest.' (The Pursuit of God)

same story

reading my blog posts from last year's holidays, I realised that my last summer holiday was no different from this one: I got sick, it rained, and I'm slacking alot.

(excerpt)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
my summer break is a time of relaxation- of rest and reflection. No work, no hard duties. I get to do whatever I want! I have no obligations- nothing to prove.
isnt it paradise? isn't this a break that many will crave to go through?

Strange, I still feel a sense of discomfort and dissatisfaction. Somtimes happiness will just leave me as I suddenly feel depression approaching. Random thoughts flood my brain as I simply brush the current train of thought[not that they're crucial stuff anyway] aside. Truly, I sometimes find my mind drifting away into randomness. My thoughts sum to nothing- No value added.

They say that an idle mind is a devil's workshop. Is that what my mind is going to be?
paradise seems to have its own serpents after all.
aimlessness... gets you lost in the emptiness of the world.
(end)

scary man, and prior to that, I was sick too!!!! wow, blog posts do help you recount your life. useful useful :D
(still reading previous blog posts)
woah, I realised that both the summers of '06 and '07 are so similar in experience- sickness + boredom depression + Rainnn, except that this year's version of sicknesses and rain are more intensified that the last.

well, as of now, I should be better (crossing fingers) after taking so much medicine.
and the rain, well I can't control that.

gotta enjoy this break period!!!!!
it's my last summer holiday anyway... one more year of uni life, [urgh] just when I got the hang of it! I really do take longer to adapt than most people, that's why I'm not a very good international student. You MUST be able to adapt because everything around you WILL change. Acceptance just comes too slowly to me... by the time I click into motion, when I'm all ready to deal with a problem, I get unplugged and face another issue. Read my very first post. I'm a resident alien, the world is enemy.

a survey

10 favourites

colour: red

food: bbq stingray

song:

movie:

sport: football

season: post-spring

day: Holi-day

ice cream: ferrero rocher

book: our daily bread

stuff toy: magnetic lion

current mood: happy

clothes: Giordano (budget la!)

desktop: ???

toenail colour: natural

time: 10.14 p.m. (current time?)

annoyance: scaring people

thought:

boyfriend: (s), u mean

book you are reading: Bible

firsts

daddy: stupid question

best friend: dude called tze aung

crush: girl(s) on TV

movie: THAT SHOW I WATCHED WITH MATT, the title’s just eluding me now

piercing: when I fell down I pierced my skin

lie: ??

music: ??

car: ???

handphone: alcatel

last
cigarette: 2002

drink: water

car ride: today

last crush:

movie seen: ju hua bing (Golden Flower)

phone call:

CD played: jars of clay

have i ever..dated my bestfriend: no

broken the law: yes

arrested: no

skinny-dipped: no

been on tv: yes, if camcorder counts

kissed someone you dunno: no

5 things you are wearing:

4 things you have done today:

4 things you can hear now:

3 things you cant live without: water, food, shelter

1 thing i regret:

shit, I give up doing this

post mission trip, (recovered!)

mission trip was great, albeit a little tiring.
in fact, it was so tiring that it drained all the energy and food (don't ask how) out of me.

nonetheless, I will look back at it with fond memories and a remember a Christmas well spent (even though it was my first time spending it away from home).
Lav said that she could feel warmth and love all around, as if one was amongst family. I think she's right
I'll always remember in my mind, a mental picture of all the youths sitting on the hotel lobby (7th floor!!!) spending Christmas by singing carols and exchanging gifts, basically having a blast.

21

When you were born, God said "yes,"
yes to all you are and to all that you can be
by His grace, His mercy and His love.
He loved you at that very moment
without condition or reservation.
There is nothing you can do to earn that love,
and nothing you fail to do will lessen that love.
The coming year is a new opportunity
for you to discover more of the height, the breadth,
the length and the depth of that incredible love.
-Roy Lessin

He saves

a really good friend has told me to write...
[ok]

It's gonna be a letter of thanks and gratitude... He rescued me
----


well, I slept at 4am this morning. It was horrible, I've never done that in such a long time and I'm feeling so terrible now. All that toiling. Its so stressful when you're staring ahead at two really major assignments due at the end of this week. Really really stressful... all these deadlines and overdrives.
this boy just couldn't take it

One of the assignment was an essay worth 50%(!) of the subject, and I was nowhere near completion of that. Although it's safe to say that I've more or less finished the other one (it's due tomorrow so I sure as heck should've finished it).
But this particular assignment... eludes me so badly. I'm totally clueless on that topic. It's just so hard, to me. Issit because it's worth 50%? or issit because I'm just not used to doing freakin arts, reflective, idea, type of essays.
oh, the pressure, the pressure. For this assignment, the words just don't flow. Nothing springs out. Blank. My mind just couldn't do it, and as I keep hitting my head, frustration seeps in, making the situation worse. Just clueless... I was blacking out, quite literally.
this boy just couldn't take it

This was where God came in. the one who's never failed.
he rescued me...

[continuing]
last night was so futile... I went to bed feeling so down. Just sitting on the desk reading articles and trying to come up with a plan is already painstakingly impossible. What more the actual thing? urghh... I shudder to think about it.

waking up wasn't any better. so much to do. I still had to contend with all the work. Deadline's looming. I'm nowhere near completion... [help]

however, by evening today, things just took a turn for good... oh the thrill, his rescue...

I think submitting an essay plan to my lecturer was one of the best decisions made this week. Before yesterday, had a course mate not told me that how she got really good advice from the lecturer by submitting her plan, I wouldn't even have thought of doing that.
Through the toils of last night, I had carved out a plan, a pathetic plan, but a plan nonetheless. Emailing it to my lecturer, I got a reply that very evening.

... fantastic, I just don't know what to say:
Hello jeremy, You've analysed all the terms admirably, but you're still quite far from an essay... blah blah blah... I think you're going to need an extension so I will set 22/9 as your new submession date
[I'm so amazed]
truly, thank you so much God.
you rescued me.

hi

nothing much, just writing for the sake of having contents (in july)
goodbye july, see you next year.