but feeling so sick.
so many nights with no sleep... I feel absolute shit.
really really really really hate that man. He is pure evil. I wish he'd just die.
screw this whole week man.
------------
----------
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
lament
looking ahead, life seems a blur, an uncertain path, and it leaves me feeling... fearful. well, at times. I'm quite scared, when there's time to sit down and think, I feel fearful, always wondering, always reviewing: whether I'll make it through, whether everything will be ok. Weighing up all the possibilities, I scrutinize the various outcomes and calculate very closely the chances of the the best possible scenario happening. And then, I sweat over it, and pray for SALVATION... over the matter. Sometimes during these points, I wish I had a fast forward option, I could just glance ahead and know, ahhh, it turned out ok didn't it? Now why was I so fearful then. It was ok, all along, its always been fine...
can I just have some audible assurance... tell me right now, that everything will be ok.
if only...
[His ways are not our ways, but His way is always best]
however, there is much beauty in life that can be appreciated, if not for that fear stuck in my throat and guts, its very hampering. It is only when I am fearless once again, can life truly be lived.
hahaha, and YOU, what happened to temple building??
can I just have some audible assurance... tell me right now, that everything will be ok.
if only...
[His ways are not our ways, but His way is always best]
however, there is much beauty in life that can be appreciated, if not for that fear stuck in my throat and guts, its very hampering. It is only when I am fearless once again, can life truly be lived.
hahaha, and YOU, what happened to temple building??
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
1989
...kids... I used to think of them. Just a bunch of pple with such short thinking and narrow mindsets.
all just a bunch of kids I'm with...
yet, I've grown to actually like them- from my lil buddy and bro whom I actually cared and loved so much in bmt, to my fellow colleagues now in my branch. It's even amazing that out of us 4 specs, 3 are Christian... maybe He wanted to get me back on track, it was all going wrong.
for sure, army will bring out the worse in a person's character, and I've seen the worse in some, and they've prob also seen me bad. Christians fall, there aren't any saints. But at the end of the day, I hope I can grow to love the person more, and understand that it's the system that forces one to act in a way they would not usually act.
I've got a great boss.
one of them had asked me before- don't you feel childish being among us? They see the degree as the separation point- you've been there done that. what else is there to achieve?
what else?
relationships.
maybe... just maybe, I may get something very valuable out of this stupid army time.
I may get friends, and people I actually know and love.
and no, I actually don't feel childish being amongst you all.
and, I actually find the wrestles, tussles, tau poks and fights in the office quite... exhilarating
and, finally, it's all good
cos I look your age too :)
But this is a place where I feel so far away. I can't deny that.
I've realised, that I'm not the knight, or zealot that I wished I was, or painted myself to be.
See, I've learnt. ;)
all just a bunch of kids I'm with...
yet, I've grown to actually like them- from my lil buddy and bro whom I actually cared and loved so much in bmt, to my fellow colleagues now in my branch. It's even amazing that out of us 4 specs, 3 are Christian... maybe He wanted to get me back on track, it was all going wrong.
for sure, army will bring out the worse in a person's character, and I've seen the worse in some, and they've prob also seen me bad. Christians fall, there aren't any saints. But at the end of the day, I hope I can grow to love the person more, and understand that it's the system that forces one to act in a way they would not usually act.
I've got a great boss.
one of them had asked me before- don't you feel childish being among us? They see the degree as the separation point- you've been there done that. what else is there to achieve?
what else?
relationships.
maybe... just maybe, I may get something very valuable out of this stupid army time.
I may get friends, and people I actually know and love.
and no, I actually don't feel childish being amongst you all.
and, I actually find the wrestles, tussles, tau poks and fights in the office quite... exhilarating
and, finally, it's all good
cos I look your age too :)
But this is a place where I feel so far away. I can't deny that.
I've realised, that I'm not the knight, or zealot that I wished I was, or painted myself to be.
See, I've learnt. ;)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
HE Never fails
The Call of Abram
1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. 2 "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."
4 So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. 5 He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.
6 Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. 7 The LORD appeared to Abram and said, "To your offspring I will give this land." So he built an altar there to the LORD, who had appeared to him.
8 From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. 9 Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.
-------------Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things (Philippians 4:6-8 NKJV).
----
pierced by the things that may happen tomorrow, scared of the future.
'Will I make it out alive??'
I am always fearful.
But creator God has never failed me. I look back and see so many promises, desires fulfilled, blessings bestowed... why would He ever fail? He has promised assurance. Yet sometimes this assurance can always be clouded out, when drowned into the circumstances, hassles and worries of the world.
Monday, February 16, 2009
smite
it prob means nothing, how can my pain be compared to many others out there who'er REALLY suffering. mine is nothing compared to theirs, it prob isn't classified as pain on their terms. its really nothing i count for nothing. Laugh it off man, its not even pain. no sweat.
Friday, February 13, 2009
todayIfell
...first sign of fever after 1.5+ yrs
does depression, sadness and negativity cause the physical mind to be sick? question will and resolve.
"You'er... Ho Kua Bo Ho Jia"
-Dad
SO TRUE
does depression, sadness and negativity cause the physical mind to be sick? question will and resolve.
"You'er... Ho Kua Bo Ho Jia"
-Dad
SO TRUE
Monday, February 02, 2009
what is my point
...and so ensues the ongoing lament
why do I exist
people base their value on their assets, their jobs, their financial muscle, their looks, their charisma, their influence, their popularity, their god...
I know I know, God is my centre and I should find joy and contentment there
maybe its all head knowledge, because my heart is sin, whacked up and full of crap.
I deserve to just die.
sorry.
how can I even be of good, when I don't even believe in myself.
why do I exist
people base their value on their assets, their jobs, their financial muscle, their looks, their charisma, their influence, their popularity, their god...
I know I know, God is my centre and I should find joy and contentment there
maybe its all head knowledge, because my heart is sin, whacked up and full of crap.
I deserve to just die.
sorry.
how can I even be of good, when I don't even believe in myself.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
over a year on...
------
I am now updating this blog because a certain aunty says that its growing cobwebs. Well, not literally... so I guess its cyber cobwebs right? But ehhhh, arent all blogs 'webby' since they'er all on the world wide WEB. That means every WEBsite has a SPIDER in it! Oh no that's dangerous man- we should always have (cyber) insect repellents everytime we surf the interNET huh?
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
missionTrip2008
was the best.
the hardest part? going back to resume my life. Death? well, it'd have been glorious to have died during that time- a good end to life. But no, my life still continues, I still breath. Death would be an easy option. I guess there's still stuff I have to learn and work that I have yet to complete... Look around, and try to find beauty and light in a time where everything is unkind and depressing.
-----
"Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle." -God in bruce almighty.
guess there is always a little hero in all of us, waiting to rise up and do good, not for the sake of applause, but to fulfill our original nature of a God-image.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Monday, December 01, 2008
Too many times I've planned...
...To be much more than who I am
how come I am powerless?
how come work seems important and the person with work seems important. take a step back and I realize that it is all worthless to me. There is no joy.
validated, powerful, free, special. I know all that, but my feelings betray it.
I ain't worth it.
how come I am powerless?
how come work seems important and the person with work seems important. take a step back and I realize that it is all worthless to me. There is no joy.
validated, powerful, free, special. I know all that, but my feelings betray it.
I ain't worth it.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
reach him...
he's 23
he's got a younger sister, aged 20, also mentally challenged
his mom's a cashier
his dad's a train operator
he lives in sengkang
he studied computing for 5 years at poly
he's into mobile phones and its functionality
he likes power rangers...
he has to mean something, even though we humans see no worth. screw worth.
he's got a younger sister, aged 20, also mentally challenged
his mom's a cashier
his dad's a train operator
he lives in sengkang
he studied computing for 5 years at poly
he's into mobile phones and its functionality
he likes power rangers...
he has to mean something, even though we humans see no worth. screw worth.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
somewhere in the middle...
..You'll find me
somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
its all fun and games, but I will look back at this time knowing that I didn't stand up for what was right. In fact, I was part of the act. I picture his parents there, how will they feel if they see their poor son in such a situation. Yet, nothing within me musters enough courage or passion to stand up and fight. I only can reflect on what has happened and know that I didn't do anything.
helpless- I just can't do it, not the right person. coward
I take it all back. heroism is dead. I ain't alive anymore
somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
its all fun and games, but I will look back at this time knowing that I didn't stand up for what was right. In fact, I was part of the act. I picture his parents there, how will they feel if they see their poor son in such a situation. Yet, nothing within me musters enough courage or passion to stand up and fight. I only can reflect on what has happened and know that I didn't do anything.
helpless- I just can't do it, not the right person. coward
I take it all back. heroism is dead. I ain't alive anymore
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
happy Birthday- 15 Oct 2008
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It’s only the air you took...
and the breath you left.
accept it, you mean nothing significant anymore. ACCEPT IT.
accept it, you mean nothing significant anymore. ACCEPT IT.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
faith(ful)(tan)... to the little things
(1) pertains to traits like being loyal and steadfast
(2) a good friend and fellow bowling buddy ;)
hahahaha, ok joking faith, sorry for using your name in vain.
the past few weeks in the army has all been about the mundane, the dull, and the activities we call 'sai kang', i.e, just the stuff that you totally do not wish to do- with every fiber of your body. There's no way to arouse sensations of enthusiasms to such activities like moving rubbish, carry un-ergonomical objects, heavy loads, doing sentry, fake VIP, wardens, guard, hot sun, sweaty stuff... if you are truly able to feel glad in these things then you'er an unnatural human being and should go out more often to see that the world has much more beauty than that.
but having that said, with these activities, you'll also meet the shirkers- the ones who just run from them. When it comes to having to carry a table/box/chair, stuff happens. Suddenly, their backs start rumbling up and they feel a degeneration in their spine [Hours later, I'll suddenly see these dudes in the gym struting their muscles with perfect backs and biceps]. How I always curse you guys in my mind and with my words ever so often. I wished you died on the spot and... sorry.
sai kang down to me again. OH I complain about the task. OH how it really really sucks to do this all day/week/month. utterly mindless. But in the midst of the useless/meaningless hours, I realise another paradigm view from all these activities. A very clear message that speaks into my conscience: be faithful in these little things, because if you aren't able to be faithful in these, your character will not allow you to take on any other heavier responsibilities other than having to tie your shoe every morning. Listen jeremy, I know its really tough, but you gotta see it always from a bigger picture. remember?
-I shall not be validated from an earthly system! I will become even more undignified than this! It's time to once again, put words into practice.
night falls... another mindless week awaits me. the days diminish my spirit, my being draws close to sin and my mouth develops poison again. sustain me.
---
welcome Am(elin) to my blog, its great to hear from you! I'm so glad that you somehow managed to find encouragement in my words, that itself encourages me too! How's my favorite expert chef in Melbourne doing these days man? ;) I def did not forget about our times in Sydney too, in fact I was reminiscing those days with Winston just a couple of weeks back when I managed to meet up with him. He sends his regards.
(2) a good friend and fellow bowling buddy ;)
hahahaha, ok joking faith, sorry for using your name in vain.
the past few weeks in the army has all been about the mundane, the dull, and the activities we call 'sai kang', i.e, just the stuff that you totally do not wish to do- with every fiber of your body. There's no way to arouse sensations of enthusiasms to such activities like moving rubbish, carry un-ergonomical objects, heavy loads, doing sentry, fake VIP, wardens, guard, hot sun, sweaty stuff... if you are truly able to feel glad in these things then you'er an unnatural human being and should go out more often to see that the world has much more beauty than that.
but having that said, with these activities, you'll also meet the shirkers- the ones who just run from them. When it comes to having to carry a table/box/chair, stuff happens. Suddenly, their backs start rumbling up and they feel a degeneration in their spine [Hours later, I'll suddenly see these dudes in the gym struting their muscles with perfect backs and biceps]. How I always curse you guys in my mind and with my words ever so often. I wished you died on the spot and... sorry.
sai kang down to me again. OH I complain about the task. OH how it really really sucks to do this all day/week/month. utterly mindless. But in the midst of the useless/meaningless hours, I realise another paradigm view from all these activities. A very clear message that speaks into my conscience: be faithful in these little things, because if you aren't able to be faithful in these, your character will not allow you to take on any other heavier responsibilities other than having to tie your shoe every morning. Listen jeremy, I know its really tough, but you gotta see it always from a bigger picture. remember?
-I shall not be validated from an earthly system! I will become even more undignified than this! It's time to once again, put words into practice.
night falls... another mindless week awaits me. the days diminish my spirit, my being draws close to sin and my mouth develops poison again. sustain me.
---
welcome Am(elin) to my blog, its great to hear from you! I'm so glad that you somehow managed to find encouragement in my words, that itself encourages me too! How's my favorite expert chef in Melbourne doing these days man? ;) I def did not forget about our times in Sydney too, in fact I was reminiscing those days with Winston just a couple of weeks back when I managed to meet up with him. He sends his regards.
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