emo.kid.forever.

battered
it's funny how I started in 2010 going to work with such confidence, gusto and big talk of how I will be super awesome at the workplace and how I will shine so bright for Christ etc etc etc... Fast forward to 2014 and I wish now I could eat those stupid words and perhaps travel back in time to advice me then not to be so happy and optimistic about my road ahead. It's been 4 years of experience and I think I have grown to accept the fact that I am not made for the corporate world and I neither will ever have the slick skills and talents of any sorts to boast in the office. I am a battered fighter who is currently staring defeat in the face, and accepting her now as a part of my life. I seem to make everything fail.
doubt
how can I be a light in the office when I have grown to just disdain and even hate every single being here in this building. I am the wrong man for the job and perhaps just living a life that I am not supposed to. I look at this corporate entity now as an enemy who has also mistreated me. Maybe if I didn't change myself to be modeled after the world, I would have turned out differently. Maybe my life is just one big regret when I look back at it. Maybe Jesus also would tell me the same, like, why didn't you do this? or why didn't you do that? Maybe I have failed?
despair
this world that I live it just sucks so bad. everything about it is fading to meaninglessness. What's the point of being happy for awhile? or working so hard? It is all meaningless. There is no point to anything. I just need to huddle in a safe place and wait till I die. The meaning of life is Christ. This has been taught to me since day 1. But no one in this world seems to believe this meaning. Instead of sucking them into Christ, I feel sucked into the world. I would love to have riches, power, beauty and all that the world has to offer. Therefore, I hate myself.