off again

I'm not looking forward to the flight- 22hrs on the plane. + the time difference.
this time round I'll truly experience what it means to feel jet-lagged. I'm up now because there is NO need to sleep- in Rhode island its 12.29PM so I should be wide awake enjoying the afternoon... just doing my bit to keep my body clock in check. ok whatever, excuses.

sometimes I look around me and I truly feel like a kid. All the strife and competition happening amongst my peers just to earn a good job. All that poise and drive just to push oneself into a good career path. I just think I'm not good enough for that...
or rather, I just do not have the competitive zeal within me to fight. All my life I have always let other people overtake me. I think its bad to be too soft- people call that WEAKness.
also, people fight most for that which they truly desire, or what is closest to the heart. Deep down, I know that a corporate career or the cash is definitely not what drives me forward. Is that why I have such poor fighting spirit when it comes to such things? Excuses aside, at this moment, I really do need a job that can support me, or rather, a job would let my parents worry about me no more.

sometimes I look around me and I truly feel like a kid. How come people always think that my second bro is the older, more mature one. Why do I always seem like the young one to everybody. But they have a point there, I look at him and there are times when he does seem like the leader, and the one who's got everything in check.

God, can you make me more of like an older person? someone who'd have more interest in careers and would relish conflict and competition with other people?
God, it doesnt really sound like what you teach. Maybe, can you truly give me your views, your heart and give me the character of a great servant leader? Yet, at the same time, give me a tenacious heart that would be willing to fight for everything that is within your cause.

I know something I really want to fight for right now, but it seems like a pointless cause, because I am fighting against oceans and continents, just to get to you.