the big picture II

now starts week 3 of university. wow, time really flies. It's scary how I'm treating my subjects so lightly this semester. I just had a collected 'points count' for my course- 2 more subjects and I basically have an information systems bachelor in my bag! That's really amazing news, considering how I prioritise the commerce part alot higher. Now doesnt that make put a smile back to my face!

but yea, I kindda feel quite guilty cos I've always treated my subjects in the previous years with alot of care and attention. The course planner I met the other day went like 'Wow, you must really like your degree alot- your results so far are pretty good.' I laughed, and told her wait till she looks at my third year stuff...

in a way, I sort of feel a sense of distraction these past few weeks, as I devote time/energy to other activities. The job hunting bit has definitely taken alot of effort.
also, my thoughts and feelings can simply just lead me off somewhere else. You know, with the start of university life again comes the return of issues such as coping with social circles, acceptance, happiness, girls, pickup lines, introductions... it really leaves me frustrated as these things certainly DO distract me a fair bit.
worrying to an extent.

I really feel that at times, I'm just not as close to him as I used to be. Slowly, I feel the fire and passion just seeping out. There are so many diversions. These entrancing and random just take centerstage within me for no reason. I struggle to sometimes feel 'right' and get into the 'right' mood of prayer. Shucks, sometimes it's really hard to get into that whole 'rightness' setting when there's all sorts of other desires in your mind. It's just confusion and a big mess internally. I think I am weak and disorganised, mentally.

I mean, I really know that God takes care of my every need- mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. I do and truly believe that in him and his abundance, I find fulfillment. But its just these occasions [now], a faltering moment, that I can't help but worry about how I will be satisfied in the various aspects. It's like a half of me yielding, yet another half just in doubt about how he'll actually go about supplying to my needs- and its bad! In the end, I worry, stop worrying, then start worrying about another issue, and stop worring again... it really can take a toll on you.

it really just shows how weak I can be sometimes- that even after submission to Him, thoughts of doubt and disbelief still manages to creep back into me.