my body has fallen again- broken down, used and overheated.
the weather has been too hot and dry, all moisture simply sucked out of my system.
despite this, my bro and I were practically out roaming the whole day.
that probably took a toll on me.
and at night, I bumped into a couple of friends who invited us to a karaoke place.
we did go, for awhile, but not before going to st kilda park first.
to st kilda park, where the happening commonwealth games festival was taking place. Human traffic was at its peak. Our main intention though, was to go there to the find the wonderful skate park I told my bro about.
I must add that we did, however, manage to catch fireworks, a glimpse of laser shows and some stage performances though. So these are really wonderful bonuses that I'm really happy to have seen.
but yea, amidst all the festivities, Jerald had his eyes only on the skate park and its skater+biker inhabitants.
this whole period probably also helped in making my dehydration and energy levels go lower.
it was only when we went to the karoake place and the pub (to watch the soccer game) did I realise that I was doomed to be sick.
man, the air in the those places were horrible, and it's funny how I didnt even sing, yet I got a sore throat due to the excessive laughter from hearing the others singing.
the pub air left me dry and choked, oh how I suffered, but at least I got to see Pool slaughter N'verton.
we left only returned home at 4am...
that meant 5 hours of sleep before going to church.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
game on
a big Thank You, to all of you who've just been such a blessing and encouragement to me during the last week. It's just been so uplifiting.
I am inspired.
when I lost my wallet, she picked it up and returned it to me
when I was depressed and down, you brought encouragements
when I needed groups, brilliant people came along
when I needed company, they showed up
thank you! (I can't say that enough)
you've all given me the inspiration to carry on, everyone of you, in your own special way.
because of you, I feel renewed and replenished. Optimism... you're back.
I'll look ahead and tell myself that I won't just live, but I'll also thrive cos I know I have been so richly blessed.
It really feels great to know that despite troubles and obstacles ahead, the innate positivity is there again to stand up and fight. A happy champion, ready to challenge the onslaught.
23rd March
my family's just landed here today- the brothers are really bored, and have come to quickly dislike the place.
jerome begged me to bring my laptop to my aunt's place so that he could play computer games
*ahahahaha
jerald claims melbourne feels like brokeback mountain (of gays, cowboys and mountains) and its making him sick.
*ahahahahahahahaha
anyhow, looking at the date, I realised that its already been a month since leaving. My goodness, how time flies...
and again,
just from the bottom of my heart... Thank You.
I am inspired.
when I lost my wallet, she picked it up and returned it to me
when I was depressed and down, you brought encouragements
when I needed groups, brilliant people came along
when I needed company, they showed up
thank you! (I can't say that enough)
you've all given me the inspiration to carry on, everyone of you, in your own special way.
because of you, I feel renewed and replenished. Optimism... you're back.
I'll look ahead and tell myself that I won't just live, but I'll also thrive cos I know I have been so richly blessed.
It really feels great to know that despite troubles and obstacles ahead, the innate positivity is there again to stand up and fight. A happy champion, ready to challenge the onslaught.
23rd March
my family's just landed here today- the brothers are really bored, and have come to quickly dislike the place.
jerome begged me to bring my laptop to my aunt's place so that he could play computer games
*ahahahaha
jerald claims melbourne feels like brokeback mountain (of gays, cowboys and mountains) and its making him sick.
*ahahahahahahahaha
anyhow, looking at the date, I realised that its already been a month since leaving. My goodness, how time flies...
and again,
just from the bottom of my heart... Thank You.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I'll save the world
as uni progresses, I really feel so lost and disconnected. Its funny how I can walk down a roadway packed with so many other students and still feel so alone. There are so many places where the proxmity of people are so close, and yet I feel no intimacy to anybody at all. I walk with a multitude of people, but I'm all alone.
that feeling really sucks
somehow, I truly find it hard to make friends here. Maybe, its just me, being screwed up, anti-social and shy. Sometimes, I feel I'm just not up to it when it comes to networking and finding friends. How else can I explain going to uni without even recognizing a single person.
really discouraging...
But staying alone has definitely taught me to fend for myself. I definitely feel that I have become so much stronger away from home. I learn resilience. I have been made tougher.
sometimes I feel that people do not give you a chance, that you are accepted or rejected based on facades, abilities and even status. If you dont have these qualities then you can expect to sit out and receive no reception. Some people even take you in as a friend yet treat you with such a condescending nature- They're always better, and somehow you're treated like a lower status person. Also, when you pour out your problems and weaknesses to them, they suddenly smile and offer you few words of encouragement. But really, they smile as they gain happiness basking in your misery.
Others, well, they just don't even give a shit.
but I will not let the issue of lonliness nor condescending folks hinder me- Even if there's no one here who cares for me, I WILL still bother to care for people.
I truly hope to be able to show them compassion and be a light.
'I'll touch the world, like you've touch my life'
It's hard work, definitely even more so for someone in my position, but I know I am empowered to be a blessing to people, no matter how flawed I can be.
Anyone can. You just need to decide.
that feeling really sucks
somehow, I truly find it hard to make friends here. Maybe, its just me, being screwed up, anti-social and shy. Sometimes, I feel I'm just not up to it when it comes to networking and finding friends. How else can I explain going to uni without even recognizing a single person.
really discouraging...
But staying alone has definitely taught me to fend for myself. I definitely feel that I have become so much stronger away from home. I learn resilience. I have been made tougher.
sometimes I feel that people do not give you a chance, that you are accepted or rejected based on facades, abilities and even status. If you dont have these qualities then you can expect to sit out and receive no reception. Some people even take you in as a friend yet treat you with such a condescending nature- They're always better, and somehow you're treated like a lower status person. Also, when you pour out your problems and weaknesses to them, they suddenly smile and offer you few words of encouragement. But really, they smile as they gain happiness basking in your misery.
Others, well, they just don't even give a shit.
but I will not let the issue of lonliness nor condescending folks hinder me- Even if there's no one here who cares for me, I WILL still bother to care for people.
I truly hope to be able to show them compassion and be a light.
'I'll touch the world, like you've touch my life'
It's hard work, definitely even more so for someone in my position, but I know I am empowered to be a blessing to people, no matter how flawed I can be.
Anyone can. You just need to decide.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
the big picture II
now starts week 3 of university. wow, time really flies. It's scary how I'm treating my subjects so lightly this semester. I just had a collected 'points count' for my course- 2 more subjects and I basically have an information systems bachelor in my bag! That's really amazing news, considering how I prioritise the commerce part alot higher. Now doesnt that make put a smile back to my face!
but yea, I kindda feel quite guilty cos I've always treated my subjects in the previous years with alot of care and attention. The course planner I met the other day went like 'Wow, you must really like your degree alot- your results so far are pretty good.' I laughed, and told her wait till she looks at my third year stuff...
in a way, I sort of feel a sense of distraction these past few weeks, as I devote time/energy to other activities. The job hunting bit has definitely taken alot of effort.
also, my thoughts and feelings can simply just lead me off somewhere else. You know, with the start of university life again comes the return of issues such as coping with social circles, acceptance, happiness, girls, pickup lines, introductions... it really leaves me frustrated as these things certainly DO distract me a fair bit.
worrying to an extent.
I really feel that at times, I'm just not as close to him as I used to be. Slowly, I feel the fire and passion just seeping out. There are so many diversions. These entrancing and random just take centerstage within me for no reason. I struggle to sometimes feel 'right' and get into the 'right' mood of prayer. Shucks, sometimes it's really hard to get into that whole 'rightness' setting when there's all sorts of other desires in your mind. It's just confusion and a big mess internally. I think I am weak and disorganised, mentally.
I mean, I really know that God takes care of my every need- mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. I do and truly believe that in him and his abundance, I find fulfillment. But its just these occasions [now], a faltering moment, that I can't help but worry about how I will be satisfied in the various aspects. It's like a half of me yielding, yet another half just in doubt about how he'll actually go about supplying to my needs- and its bad! In the end, I worry, stop worrying, then start worrying about another issue, and stop worring again... it really can take a toll on you.
it really just shows how weak I can be sometimes- that even after submission to Him, thoughts of doubt and disbelief still manages to creep back into me.
but yea, I kindda feel quite guilty cos I've always treated my subjects in the previous years with alot of care and attention. The course planner I met the other day went like 'Wow, you must really like your degree alot- your results so far are pretty good.' I laughed, and told her wait till she looks at my third year stuff...
in a way, I sort of feel a sense of distraction these past few weeks, as I devote time/energy to other activities. The job hunting bit has definitely taken alot of effort.
also, my thoughts and feelings can simply just lead me off somewhere else. You know, with the start of university life again comes the return of issues such as coping with social circles, acceptance, happiness, girls, pickup lines, introductions... it really leaves me frustrated as these things certainly DO distract me a fair bit.
worrying to an extent.
I really feel that at times, I'm just not as close to him as I used to be. Slowly, I feel the fire and passion just seeping out. There are so many diversions. These entrancing and random just take centerstage within me for no reason. I struggle to sometimes feel 'right' and get into the 'right' mood of prayer. Shucks, sometimes it's really hard to get into that whole 'rightness' setting when there's all sorts of other desires in your mind. It's just confusion and a big mess internally. I think I am weak and disorganised, mentally.
I mean, I really know that God takes care of my every need- mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially. I do and truly believe that in him and his abundance, I find fulfillment. But its just these occasions [now], a faltering moment, that I can't help but worry about how I will be satisfied in the various aspects. It's like a half of me yielding, yet another half just in doubt about how he'll actually go about supplying to my needs- and its bad! In the end, I worry, stop worrying, then start worrying about another issue, and stop worring again... it really can take a toll on you.
it really just shows how weak I can be sometimes- that even after submission to Him, thoughts of doubt and disbelief still manages to creep back into me.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
tributes
today, my good friend Chris reminded me of how it is to be a blessing to someone else. Chrissy, a wonderful person, though sometimes bearing too much arrogance for me to take, has today made me go... Wow.
he called his brother to ask for the car, stopped halfway to allow me time for grocery shopping, drove me home and also helped carry my load right to my doorstep.
all this done at the night he needed as much sleep as he could- when he had to wake up for his med classes at 5am.
maybe I haven't thanked him enough for what he did, but his gesture, although simple, has really been such a blessing to me.
chris, thanks for that sacrifice of time and energy, and cheers to you, for the countless times you've always come and helped me.
---
oh yah, and Michelle, you are noble man!! I can't believe you're gonna take part in the 14+km run!
And as you said in ya blog, you don't even like running!!! but cheers to you man! Respect.
we definitely have to start training for that run.
it's scary, I might just faint halfway and maybe someone might have to call an ambulance. after all, with the invention of bicycles and automobiles, it has been awhile since average men like me have trod such long distances, on foot!
crikey,
it is 1am eastern standard time. all the thoughts of running have left me exhausted...
he called his brother to ask for the car, stopped halfway to allow me time for grocery shopping, drove me home and also helped carry my load right to my doorstep.
all this done at the night he needed as much sleep as he could- when he had to wake up for his med classes at 5am.
maybe I haven't thanked him enough for what he did, but his gesture, although simple, has really been such a blessing to me.
chris, thanks for that sacrifice of time and energy, and cheers to you, for the countless times you've always come and helped me.
---
oh yah, and Michelle, you are noble man!! I can't believe you're gonna take part in the 14+km run!
And as you said in ya blog, you don't even like running!!! but cheers to you man! Respect.
we definitely have to start training for that run.
it's scary, I might just faint halfway and maybe someone might have to call an ambulance. after all, with the invention of bicycles and automobiles, it has been awhile since average men like me have trod such long distances, on foot!
crikey,
it is 1am eastern standard time. all the thoughts of running have left me exhausted...
Sunday, March 05, 2006
the big picture
its the start of the a new day... Monday, the 6th of March 2006, has just began.
As of now:
I want a job.
I really hope to earn enough cash to support my accomodation.
and I'm really tired now: Waking up at 9am is hard!! But there's motivation today...
distractions. It seems that I am overlooking something really important in my life. The days have been passing but I feel there're important agendas I'm neglecting. It's leaving me weightless... substance just gets drained as the days past.
I used to have the mentality that whenever I step into Melbourne soil, the 'power' within me slowly gets lost. please do not let me go back to this frame of mind again.
why do I feel so chaotic within. I am battling again with my self-concious nature. Gosh, I'm vain! And I fear. It seems like unimportant issues are becoming so big and captivating. Help.
as I write, I still feel so messed up. this whole post's in a mess.
screw it. i will slumber
As of now:
I want a job.
I really hope to earn enough cash to support my accomodation.
and I'm really tired now: Waking up at 9am is hard!! But there's motivation today...
distractions. It seems that I am overlooking something really important in my life. The days have been passing but I feel there're important agendas I'm neglecting. It's leaving me weightless... substance just gets drained as the days past.
I used to have the mentality that whenever I step into Melbourne soil, the 'power' within me slowly gets lost. please do not let me go back to this frame of mind again.
why do I feel so chaotic within. I am battling again with my self-concious nature. Gosh, I'm vain! And I fear. It seems like unimportant issues are becoming so big and captivating. Help.
as I write, I still feel so messed up. this whole post's in a mess.
screw it. i will slumber
Thursday, March 02, 2006
struck down but not destroyed
as the song goes: 'I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed...'
it is bewildering how sometimes a single comment made towards you can just bring your esteem crashing down. Just today, some dude told me he reckoned I wouldn't make at all when I entered the army- '3 weeks!!' he said. His colleague stepped in and interceded, 'No, no, no!' he said, 'I'd give this boy 2 weeks man!' and the gang just starts laughing their arses off at my expense. Gosh they must be happy...
ouch! I actually felt quite dejected after that conversation. I mean, I was really so down-hearted! Doubt, insecurity, thoughts of 'am I really so weak?' just kept entering my system. My, it was certainly an ordeal. I simply sat there and forced a weak smile. They might not even know that I felt damaged by their comments- probably too busy satisfying their laughing lust.
*dignity lost... just like that
but hasn't this sorta situation happened to many of us so many times? Often, I have felt so scorned and rejected by people when they simply use you as a 'jackass + guinea pig' object whereby they can get laughs out of you. All at the expense of utilising criticisms and pinpointing weaknesses.
some criticisms I have grown accustomed to, others still pack a sting no matter how much you try to hedge against it. But all these 'thorns' I have been inflicted with only serve to make me realise one fundamental important thing- That I am indeed, really and truly, inadequate!
yes, I have said it. I feel so inadequate at times, so useless. Oh God, why can't I be like this... or that... yes we indeed do strive to be one step higher. So blinded by worldly standards, I sometimes plunge into a depth of gloom as I feel so 'ugly', as compared to the 'beautiful ones' that are in this world. I mean, don't you feel like crap sometimes when you compare yourselves to others? ...How they'd trounced you in any aspect.
Stupid worldly standards.
Stupid condescending attitudes.
take heart people, for there is a God who loves you and sees you, each and everyone of you as a 'beautiful one'. In him, you will be refined and perfected and his strengths will be made perfect in your very weaknesses.
yes, indeed I find that very encouraging, but sometimes, the sting that words bring still leave you feeling downcast and rejected. But heck, I hope to be encouraged, inspired, and soon, to get on with the beautiful journey that is my life.
*dignity...downloading 40% completed
Goodnight world.
.....
oh yea, people who pray, I have written personal prayer requests at the side. Please uphold me. Thanks!!
it is bewildering how sometimes a single comment made towards you can just bring your esteem crashing down. Just today, some dude told me he reckoned I wouldn't make at all when I entered the army- '3 weeks!!' he said. His colleague stepped in and interceded, 'No, no, no!' he said, 'I'd give this boy 2 weeks man!' and the gang just starts laughing their arses off at my expense. Gosh they must be happy...
ouch! I actually felt quite dejected after that conversation. I mean, I was really so down-hearted! Doubt, insecurity, thoughts of 'am I really so weak?' just kept entering my system. My, it was certainly an ordeal. I simply sat there and forced a weak smile. They might not even know that I felt damaged by their comments- probably too busy satisfying their laughing lust.
*dignity lost... just like that
but hasn't this sorta situation happened to many of us so many times? Often, I have felt so scorned and rejected by people when they simply use you as a 'jackass + guinea pig' object whereby they can get laughs out of you. All at the expense of utilising criticisms and pinpointing weaknesses.
some criticisms I have grown accustomed to, others still pack a sting no matter how much you try to hedge against it. But all these 'thorns' I have been inflicted with only serve to make me realise one fundamental important thing- That I am indeed, really and truly, inadequate!
yes, I have said it. I feel so inadequate at times, so useless. Oh God, why can't I be like this... or that... yes we indeed do strive to be one step higher. So blinded by worldly standards, I sometimes plunge into a depth of gloom as I feel so 'ugly', as compared to the 'beautiful ones' that are in this world. I mean, don't you feel like crap sometimes when you compare yourselves to others? ...How they'd trounced you in any aspect.
Stupid worldly standards.
Stupid condescending attitudes.
take heart people, for there is a God who loves you and sees you, each and everyone of you as a 'beautiful one'. In him, you will be refined and perfected and his strengths will be made perfect in your very weaknesses.
yes, indeed I find that very encouraging, but sometimes, the sting that words bring still leave you feeling downcast and rejected. But heck, I hope to be encouraged, inspired, and soon, to get on with the beautiful journey that is my life.
*dignity...downloading 40% completed
Goodnight world.
.....
oh yea, people who pray, I have written personal prayer requests at the side. Please uphold me. Thanks!!
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