peace. the. fullness. of. life.

(Tang Tang)

right now, I am where I am needed to be. There is no utopia nor is there a greener pasture to settle elsewhere- unless I hear a distinct call to sojourn and move out. So far there hasn't been one but only the cry of my own heart screaming with petty reasons. Do despise it though, because the reasons, no matter how petty they are, have left my heart ravaged and broken. This desire within me now to leave this place and circumstance is merely a weak attempt to flee from a calling or a destiny that is at hand. In short, I am a coward.

or, I am just worried and scared of the upcoming chain of events. All that worrying has made me try so hard to orchestrate the future to fit my own terms and conditions, dictating them to achieve my desires. However, all that tempering and intervention (or whatever futile attempt at it) so far has gotten me nowhere. Instead I feel grounded and resentful, not wanting to move out from the safe rock and going on to experience that which is life...
I do not want to clamp up anymore. Time to step out and live.

it doesn't matter where I am or what I do, as long as I am in the very center of the presence of God, exactly where He has placed me to be.

if Jesus is not the center of your life, then your life is out of focus.

trust me to think of this hymn back in 1994, when I was a little kid, as my baptism song. Now within these lines are stuff that is so real to me. I guess you really are what you choose- having picked this hymn, it now resonates as my lifesong:

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from it's sunshine
For it's skies may turn to gray
I don't worry over the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand

Every step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Every burden's getting lighter
Every cloud is silver-lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the one who feeds the sparrow
Is the one who stands by me
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood

Do Not Worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes... Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

JESUS YOU ARE MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING I WILL LIVE FOR.

love. onward.

the stories of success are always from those with drive, passion and vision for something in life. Even when that vision wasn't what they set out to do, these successful people still had the same resolve in them, translating that resolve onto another vision and going on to achieve a successful life nonetheless.

the stories of successful people in the faith were the same- always from people who had these characteristics. If not in the things of God, then it would be on matters in the secular world (initially), although God would somehow lead them out of it and direct that drive on towards visions pertaining to His. They'd take a 'gamble', put everything into the hands of the Almighty and take the plunge, submitting all their hopes and dreams into His hands, knowing that it'd turn out fine in the end.
usually in those stories, these people did turn out fine, and much more so.

however, the stories of success were always built on these characteristics- plans, dreams and passion. All these words are frequently etched all over that person's life. He had believed in something greater, went on to be bigger than life and achieved... A driven person.
doesn't God always seem to call those kind of people only?

what happens when one doesn't have a drive, passion or vision in his life? what happens to such an individual????
does he live a lukewarm, indifferent life? Merely living between the lines of mediocrity and averages? A specter of a life.
instead of putting every ounce of dream, passion and vision into God's hands, which this particular person is devoid of, He has to do something harder, and that is to put his very life into the Creator's trust- putting life on the line and taking the plunge. He will get down on his knees, pray and ask for himself to be a success, for the Almighty's dreams, passions and visions to be infused into him and for his life, the only thing he has any value of, to be to be sacrificed to His God. He'd have to trust and know that it'll turn out fine in the end, and take that plunge...
what happens? Somehow I believe that such a person will turn out fine, and much more so too... ;)

"O LORD, you have searched me and known me...
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well."

暴风骤雨

抛弃

you won't fail me... all your promises still stand, and I reject anything within me that thinks I am a lesser person or made useless whatsoever. I stand by all the power and authority you have promised to bestow on your sons.

sometimes, I don't even feel any strength or willpower to fight.
sometimes, it feels as though I've got no one backing me up. Actually, I kind of feel that all the time...
but it's alright, I've been there countless times before, and I haven't broken down or died in ANY of those circumstances. In fact, I am the king of gritting my teeth and carrying on despite the load and sadness upon me. I did it, despite all circumstances telling me otherwise.
this time though, I do not want to do this again the same way. I want to do it, with the full knowledge of my God right with me. When no person comes, when there's no form of rescue from anybody for me, I still know that He's got my back always... it will be on his very existence that I live and find mine own. Because His existence is love... and life.
...more than enough for a human being. That's surely the reason to carry on.

--

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?
Hebrews 13:5,6

Night Fury !

I'm not worth it.

period. all around, there are people 100x better to choose from.

the sluggard destroys himself....the ant is hard working, but ULTIMATELY neither the sluggard nor the ant matters, if you don't etch and root your planning and foundation in something meaningful- Christ Jesus!
-Steve

its retarded that we can't watch the world cup without paying $$$ (I'm poor)

Bloggin from an iPod at rhode island

all never done before

because you have said so, and because you are in authority of me, I will obey.
your advice I will follow.

rhode island. Brown. Pompus.

my prayers for you- all the best :)

I want to be a traveller but 22hrs is just horrible although I got to see sunrise over the pacific

off again

I'm not looking forward to the flight- 22hrs on the plane. + the time difference.
this time round I'll truly experience what it means to feel jet-lagged. I'm up now because there is NO need to sleep- in Rhode island its 12.29PM so I should be wide awake enjoying the afternoon... just doing my bit to keep my body clock in check. ok whatever, excuses.

sometimes I look around me and I truly feel like a kid. All the strife and competition happening amongst my peers just to earn a good job. All that poise and drive just to push oneself into a good career path. I just think I'm not good enough for that...
or rather, I just do not have the competitive zeal within me to fight. All my life I have always let other people overtake me. I think its bad to be too soft- people call that WEAKness.
also, people fight most for that which they truly desire, or what is closest to the heart. Deep down, I know that a corporate career or the cash is definitely not what drives me forward. Is that why I have such poor fighting spirit when it comes to such things? Excuses aside, at this moment, I really do need a job that can support me, or rather, a job would let my parents worry about me no more.

sometimes I look around me and I truly feel like a kid. How come people always think that my second bro is the older, more mature one. Why do I always seem like the young one to everybody. But they have a point there, I look at him and there are times when he does seem like the leader, and the one who's got everything in check.

God, can you make me more of like an older person? someone who'd have more interest in careers and would relish conflict and competition with other people?
God, it doesnt really sound like what you teach. Maybe, can you truly give me your views, your heart and give me the character of a great servant leader? Yet, at the same time, give me a tenacious heart that would be willing to fight for everything that is within your cause.

I know something I really want to fight for right now, but it seems like a pointless cause, because I am fighting against oceans and continents, just to get to you.

SOS

help....
how do I get all that you have taught, said and promised- EVERYTHING... from my head and into my heart?
I know its good to try and be noble and all, but, it still frigging HURTs so much

how come others have it so much easier.

I still stand by everything I've said, but just somehow, please also provide relief. I want my satisfaction and joys to come only from you, given by you.
no other way.

I need your help
I need repair
I need you now.
please hear me God, this sos goes all out to you. I know I don't matter much, but I'm desperate, and the only solution is in the hands of the my maker.
I feel like a loser
I feel broken
I feel distant

a prayer

I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

--
http://blogs.straitstimes.com/2010/5/21/10-days-in-china-i-will-never-forget

today's article in the saturday newspaper almost made me cry.
I totally feel for her parents and family.

"It hardly mattered to them that Hong Yan had been a karaoke lounge hostess, or that she had lied to them about her job and life in Singapore. What mattered most was that whatever she did, even though it may not have been right, was because she wanted something better for her family. To her relatives, she was just a filial daughter, a kind and doting sister."

.l .l

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp31HeN0a6I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUsPy0lvLvc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIqhK6kqmks&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1BwTQwZyB8&feature=related

the pilgram

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine

The whole object of travel is not to set foot on foreign land; it is at last to set foot on one's own country as a foreign land - GK Chesterton

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered - Nelson Mandela

When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable. - Clifton Fadiman

One's destination is never a place but a new way of seeing things - Henry Miller

Not all who wander are LOST. - Tolkien

XD XD XD XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll2kajMH2u0

incheon airport is world's best airport for 5 yrs in a row???

. sometimes, the hardest choice is to sit back and do nothing at all, knowing that at that point in time, you could've done something rash, brash and possibly even succeed. But by not choosing to do so, the agony and doubts will surely eat one's mind.
160510

Back again, after leaving seoul on a rainy morning. sighh.

You've got perfect timing and I just want to follow it, living under Your wing, your comfort and Your sufficiency. When no one understands me, I know You will.

unconditional love

no matter what...
it doesn't need to be that of romance or fairy tales.
I choose to love unconditionally. In this way,I am also learning, for I've never ever thought of loving someone I am emotionally attached to in that way- I will pray for you, and wish the best for you. I want to see you succeed, and be happy even though I cannot be in the picture. I truly do.
isn't that the love of Christ in us? as opposed to being driven to love only on a skin-deep level & by the flesh. Please let love always be pure, because my God is love

its pain to write this... but I will put trust and faith in Him, He is God of my relationships too. Everything.

beauty

today I saw the sun set over the han river, over the border was north korea and the south was lined with rice fields, fences and guardhouses. It was a beautiful sight...


I just want to be with you... its gonna be pain not seeing you again. (But I guess you will never know it)

against all odds

sometimes its not really fair, when I see people who've scorned me before, or have broken my heart go on with much more success (and joy) in their lives.

in situations like these, how should I react? should I feel happiness for them? It feels so hard to.
most of the time when I meet them face to face, I'd just stand and smile... :D and look as though everything was normal. But deep down, I know I'm concealing some hurt and also, my mind just starts thinking me as the biggest dork loser at the current moment.
I don't know if this feeling is abnormal & I might just be overly sensitive. But hopefully, I can find a solution to such a social issue and someday, truly just be happy for both friend or foe, whenever I see good in their lives.

Melancholia

The Awakening
By Virginia Marie Swift

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Copyright 2001 Virginia Marie Swift

ok, I know you're definitely gonna be LOL at this post cos its super girly, but I still believe, deep down somewhere within me, I am a girl trapped in a guy's body. omg what'd I just say.

a reminder

please let me not be selfish
I don't want to pursue someone purely because of beauty
*not that I will succeed*
please remind me always your providence is always the best (choice)
please limit my mind and let it only pursue you
please let me never turn proud (ever)
please let these ramblings not just be another night's worth of gibberish
please somehow let me feel your heart
and let me accept and finally surrender to you

please take away all my worries
please be with me even in the mundane
please let me accept truly in my heart that your providence is the best
please distill the doubts within, or, help me to get by them
I hate it when those doubts eat through my mind
please let me accept and know that you're always leading me through
my life doesn't need to be run by a typical script- please be in charge of where I go
please give me peace
and serenity

幸福是什麼

love computer hardware
love repairing computers
love overclocking

rediscovering that it's always been in me, even though I try to shrug it off, with physical activities, with other 'cooler' stuff... guess you can't take the geek out of a person.
its just about being who you really are, only then will one's real passions be revealed.

unexpected

was super encouraged today...
not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:25

The communion of saints is a great help and privilege, and a means of steadfastness and perseverance. We should observe the coming of times of trial, and be thereby quickened to greater diligence. (Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible is available in the Public Domain.)

expected nothing but came out with my heart feeling so much more at ease

resilience

I just realized... my blog has stood the test of time-- where so many blogs have risen and died since its inception, this site still stands and receives all my emotional rants, riddles and nonsense till today. SUGOI :D :D :D

its almost 3am at night and in case I look back on this post and wonder why the heck I am up so late, here is something that will clearly refresh the mind:

498 456 568
128
199
419
79
169 159
85

1535


461 530
118
165
419
159
79
85

1486

HAHAHAHA, retarded ain't it. sure looks like another stupid riddle, but its simple recollection- I've spent all these hours simply reading up on computer parts and the potential of overclocking a system....
...sometimes, I can understand why my parents worry for me and my lack of social life and even the fact that I am hopeless with girls. But a very (very) lovely person told me... relax. She meant it and I know it'll all be good in the end.

its approaching 3am, its probably at this time of the night when one actually feels the bliss and lightheaded feeling that signals & says the body is at peace... Peace, don't we all yearn for it? A day, a life without that internal conflict within. Just feeling that fullness and grasping at the realization that sometimes life has to be lived for something greater than oneself for it to be fulfilling. But alas, when we awake and the tide of the world comes sweeping at us again, this ideal becomes forgotten, or rather, we just shelf it at one corner saying that we will entertain it another time.
but really, that period of bliss and that simple idea was actually the most important and meaningful concept that came fleeting into your mind...

stay the same

this is me right now,
but next time we meet
a couple of days...
months...
years...
that me wouldn't be the same anymore
can I just still be me all the way... I know its impossible, everything would be different.
even you wouldn't be the same anymore.
but its all for the better... isn't it?
I am such an emo... why do I have a heart of a girl inside me. weaknesssss

------

i wish
i could understand everyone's culture
and language
it'd be so cool

i guess. but i remember- universal language= love -aggie !

God you're so unfair

why do so many fine young ladies that serve you struggle to find a guy
and those that do aren't the best of characters, though they look physically attractive
does it all just show...that you care not for external beauty?
does the outward appearance really mean NOTHING?
if it means so little to you... then can you teach me also to feel the same way

sometimes I hate myself- if only my mind could think thoughts that were higher and closer to your heart, rather than struggling and contending in the worldly hierarchy of needs.
ok ranting out...

melbourne. japan. down

hero dreams

wish i could just build a boat, where everybody within it... is safe, saved and full of joy.

its not where you want to be, but where God calls you to be that matters.
sometimes, I just wish a audible voice from above would tell me whether I am heading the right way, or perhaps nudge me in the correct direction if I'm straying from it. I wish, I could travel all year long... stress-free

Serenity Prayer:
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

at the end of the day, even though I feel out of place and lost, wishing I were somewhere else- its where You want me to be that matters

(Pr 6:20-35)

Seven things hateful to God.

If the slothful are to be condemned, who do nothing, much more those that do all the ill they can. Observe how such a man is described. He says and does every thing artfully, and with design. His ruin shall come without warning, and without relief. Here is a list of things hateful to God. Those sins are in a special manner provoking to God, which are hurtful to the comfort of human life. These things which God hates, we must hate in ourselves; it is nothing to hate them in others.

Let us shun all such practices, and watch and pray against them; and avoid, with marked disapproval, all who are guilty of them, whatever may be their rank.

About this commentary:
Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible is available in the Public Domain.

很可惜没有祝福...

I guess I have to move on, its actually quite easy in theory, but why cant I put it in practice:

seek You in the morning, learn to walk in Your ways
step by step You'll lead me, follow You all of my days
-Rich Mullins
---

just ended a 2 day filming project where I helped a friend as a celefare for his independent film project. I cant believe I actually: dawned the stupid number 4 + stupid camo cream + SBO!! + go out into the jungles!! Gosh, I am amazing, sometimes I think I am too kind.
During the film shoot I met my BMT friend (which means he also just ord-ed not long) who had gone to pierce to catch prawns. He also said the same thing to me. ha ha ha, ok enough ego tripping...

speaking of ego, honestly, I cant stand youths, their puberty phase and their raging hormones. I hate complimenting them or even conversing with them to feed their stupid egos. Don't you find, that its always the young or matured ones that are always a joy to talk to. The in-betweens are just a horrible bunch.

pure intents - True companionship

everyone does things for love, but is it real love when one does things for another with the idea of pursuing a relationship and getting a partner? Then, that love has to be a little flawed right, because there is an agenda behind it. In the end, a degree of action has been done just for personal satisfaction- to attain a partner/friend for oneself. If so, then that isn't real love after all right?

there are very few people I've met who've cared and loved so much, without any intent of attaining good-will, love, affection or satisfaction back just by doing so. Every other time, people do things with an agenda in mind. That's only natural- I give you a present, I expect to score some friendship points or love votes from the other party. But, is it possible to have love that is just so pure, without any intent or catch?

what do people call that? Agape right?
I guess we can all try, and after reading this, I feel disheartened because the people around me or even I myself do not possess a love such as this.
but take heart: that all of us do have someone with that kind of agape love who loves us, and He lives right in our hearts, if we let Him in. And when He's in you, we can tap on His reservoir of love to give others, because after all, He is love. Maybe someday, He'll give each of us so much more love that we will then finally live as saints. Now I just realised that I used the word love one too many times

ranting out.

the great escape

its all coming together now:
australia, japan, korea, and possibly bali- my travel plans are slowly taking shape. From beautiful autumn, to sakuras, to the beach life, this is one heck of a ride.
I will not look left nor right, only to whatever's ahead. I will stick to to my master plan.

'ni shi na zong shao ye xing xiang, you du su de, bu yao qi zuo ah beng, na zong fa xing bu shi he ni de'
-summarized version of what my hairdresser said to me when I requested to cut lines on the sides.

everton

rocks!!!!!
everton 3 - 1 man utd
totally made me smile.
football rocks, if only I could play with people who were my SIZE, then I can finally use some strength and tenacity when fighting for a ball.

thinking ahead

actually, I'm really scared... that if I do end up attached/married, I won't love my wife enough. We might end up miserable and quarrel all day. We might hate each other after awhile. I'll prob pull on those silent treatments to people I get sick of. I'm really scared that would happen. What if I don't love my partner enough?

sometimes, it might be better not to be married.

waiting for that letter. waiting for that answer

sad.
I hate goodbyes- I never could deal with them. How can someone be so used to setting off or leaving?!? Its really a gift- to be able to easily plug and unplug oneself onto different societies and settings.
stability is better, no need to dream of being that global citizen, that is not who I really am.
anyway, back to the main point, I am sad.

God will show the way
lighting my path
with His ray

please show the solution-
really lost: need conclusion, need resolution

sometimes all my plans and my scheme-
are just so stupid: they're not your means

I don't know what to do-
am just so lost: please pull me through

so...
resolution, conclusion,
that is from your means
as I pull through
Your beautiful scheme

CNY Chu Er

a prayer from one's mouth, man hears
a prayer from one's heart, God hears.

---
talk talk talk talk talk non-stop
is that what its all about?
how about being able to just connect with someone, without the need for words- just being right beside that person, knowing with full comfort, they've got your back.
is there a need to babble so much?

superhero nightmares

yesterday whilst sleeping off in the afternoon, I had a really weird dream: I was walking through a dark alley and upon reaching a bend, I saw an asian girl being tied up with a cloth stuffed up her mouth. She was surrounded by a bunch of ang-moh thugs who were obviously looking to rape and kill her.

as I stood there in shock, one of the thugs sniffed at me and told me to run along as though I didn't see the incident taking place at all. In my mind (within my dream of course), I was at a dillemma because I know something bad is going to take place should no one intervene.

so there I stood, firm on my feet, unwavering, yet taking no action other than gazing in fear and disbelief at the horror before me- because I probably didn't know how to react to those guys. (I think this part was super realistic because in real life, I prob wouldn't be so loud and dashing as how the tv heroes would often react, instead the my indecisive and fearful side of would step in and make me appear dumb and nonreactive on the outside, yet on the inside, my heart is pounding and justice is appealing to the mind for action. So that standing part seems really real to me.)

the thugs, taking the hint that this lone ranger isn't taking the escape route decide to take action, and before I know it, they have sent the whole gang chasing after my head also.

towards the end, I found myself trapped at some house backyard, collapsed on my knees hiding behind a wall with no more energy as I heard the bad guys coming for me. Then, Salvation came. I opened my eyes, and woke up from my dream. My character probably didn't make it, but I guess I did TRY to someone in distress, whether or not I succeeded is another story.

and...
I think I've had one too many afternoon naps

made a difference to that one

u r really a nice guy man
i think u r one of those good ppl that God send in difficult times
haha
esp army

thankssss, at least I know not all is wasted ;)

-------

I'm hurting... somewhere. There is an aspect within me that really needs healing and ministering to.
just can't pin-point it.

it looks like there is a slight CHANCE I will not be working here but overseas. ?Is this right.

ord rambles

I have emerged from this NS experience with some lessons learnt-
for one, it is realizing my limitations. It is to see how useless I really am. It is about realizing that some matters are completely not in your hands. It is also seeing at times how God just takes over and controls those situations, steering me out of the dangers- the miracle unfolding right before me.

army was filled with much worries and problems, and God definitely lets one go through all of it with His mercy- experiencing the downs and pains. But I really believe that this IS true: that God will not let me go through something greater than my threshold. When He knows that you can't take it any further, that hand of mercy will come in and get you out of the struggling pit. I believe this. I have experienced this so many times.
but I guess, its only in the struggle when one truly exercises their muscles. Getting out of a ditch requires a full range of muscles to be used as the person climbs and reaches up for safety. At the end of it, when I look at myself, I see how much God has unconsciously strengthened my entire being through the struggles. Inner strength is forged. True shape reveals. This is who I really am.

"this is the real Jeremy"
wow, profound words there, I was struck when you actually said that.

I don't know about the future, but I do know the One who holds it, and He is someone who loves you and only wants the best for you.

hi!!!

Happy new year, I miss you!
Back to camp, back to duties. 1 more month!!

prayer meeting

when you have Christ in your heart you are a missionary. People whose hearts do not have Christ are the mission field.

I have a passion for the lonely people. The people who are friendless and in the background.

fear

oh crap, I've got a cyst on my left wrist- it's the reason for all the pain and discomfort over this year. The doctor said I gotta go for surgery. Shit man, its the second time I've heard this word. This time though, I think I have to go for it, for the pain is really a hindrance. Surgery... sounds scary right?

in my thoughts every single day.

as time goes by

I feel so confused.
not a day goes by w/o having thought of you.
where do I stand, why do I feel like this?

it feels so liberating, finally to have released this- made known.
yet at the same time, nothing seems to have changed.
the fact is, I really do miss you. period.

hong Kong is beautiful.
(but so are you...)

ok that's about enough.
mind out.
...
it all doesn't make sense anyway
thinking rationally, I'm probably the only one feeling this light-headedness of a yearning desire. mutuality doesn't exist.
I was meant to fail.
WHY- I had probably crafted a fairytale out of nothing.
I am just too thick-skinned and, I do not understand the signs or lack of it.

dreams

twice I've chased and desired so much...
each time you've made me forget and even drained out all the infatuating emotions I've stored within.
This time...
Will you score a hattrick?

"I think it's just an infatuation"
"But there're so many other girls, why can't I like any of them?"

wish it was that easy, but its always the hardest things yield the most rewards in the end right?
I know you will supply.

Being sick sucks, when I look around at the other fellas, my natural fitness falls so short.

Jeremy Neo
Humanitarian, Social entrepreneur

no hits, all misses

I really love you guys. Family + you guys = my family

姚. says:
i know!
姚. says:
we seriously need to keep in touch after
姚. says:
i'm having the best time EVER in nsc
jeremy says:
yea, our group was the best
jeremy says:
dont know if working will ever be like that manz
俊礼. says:
let's start a company tgt
俊礼. says:
lol =D
jeremy says:
HAHAHA, with our culture
jeremy says:
we may go
jeremy says:
bust

mark lee, I'm gonna miss you man
and...

I miss you even more-
shouldnt be so gloomy though, at least, I had a chance to meet you. Thank God for the opportunity. It just raw emotion, but I really can't control it. How did you captivate me so very much? You caught me the first time we met.
When you like her, you can't help it. Even if you try to control or withhold, that attraction spills out from your very inner being. I keep scolding myself for having such feelings, but... what else can I do. Is there a ALT F4 button that I can simply press to dispel it all?
*smack smack smack, whack up friend.
"Actually she's not very pretty, you can get better"
"If I can have someone like her, I'll be super contented already"

All those glances, and all those smiles and harmless greetings were... exhilarating.

resolution for the week:

I will guard my mouth, and the words that come out of it.
I will give my speech some thought before lashing out meaningless banter.
I will speak only words to edify, and not harm.
for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

Matthew 12:34-37
A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.
But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

The crux of living one's life:

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.
For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.

granturismo

I love you.
absolute thing of beauty, I've never felt so much exhilaration going down at top speeds in a sports engine.




jilted. its so painful.

overflow

please come back to me... i miss you so much
this is my cry, that i could just be with you.
stay, right beside me.
I'll keep you safe,
I promise

Phillipians 4:19

All My Needs
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:19

I believe this verse is one of the most doubted verses in the Bible for Christians today. You show what you believe by what you do. Belief inspires action. If you believe God supplies all your needs, you will depend on him; if you do not believe that God supplies all your needs, then you will seek to supply your own needs. Belief inspires action.

I know that until I leave my fathers home, I can depend on being able to eat here. I know that the need of my stomach will be filled with groceries from this house as long as I live here. My action based on that belief is that I will eat here and not worry about it. If I was worried about it constantly, I would be showing my belief that my father was not sufficient in providing groceries by going out of the way to provide for myself.

I see people on a regular basis acting as though God does not see their needs, when the truth is, their "needs" are not what God sees as needs, but wants. Why does our lack of faith take over a situation that is simply God's job? Why do we act as though the need is not going to be supplied by our heavenly father? If my earthly father is faithful in supplying earthly needs to me, how much more is my heavenly father capable of supplying my needs? Not only does he supply my needs, he has an advanced knowledge of my grocery list! I do not even need to tell him what I need for him to know. He already does. Before I even ask for it, he is preparing to provide it.

Are his riches in glory ever going to be insufficient? Will he bounce the check of heaven on my little problems? There is no way, and it would be mad to suggest it! However, modern Christianity lives in an independent lifestyle that seeks a faithless provision to our needs by seeking to meet them through fleshly means. Do you realize that Satan is waiting for your independence from God's way so he can attack you with vices that you alone cannot handle?
Your self-dependent attitude makes you completely vulnerable to situations that only the power of God can help you through! Do not become self-sufficient and self-dependent, thinking that you can somehow manage this Christian life without the help of Christ, who was the ultimate example. Do not think that you can live a supernatural Christian life, following his steps, without Christ' power. That is simply mad!!

So that brings me to the point of this post.

Let God supply your needs. I am in a situation right now that requires ultimate dependence on God. I have no control, and therefore I am naming and claiming Phillipians 4:19. I need him to supply the need. I could make a knee-jerk decision to try to handle it myself, but that will only make matters worse. I need to depend on God!

Do you need money? Does God know that? Of course he does!! What doesn't he know? The answer is not to take matters into your own hands! If you're right with the Lord, pray and ask God to take control, admitting your incapability to handle the situation.

Now, God is not a bell-hop either! God does not watch his children muddle around and mess up a situation, only to run and bail them out when they realize what a mess they've made. If you have not honored God, do not expect him to save you from the consequences of your sin. That is not what is being written about in this post! I am talking about you being in situations that you cannot control and allowing God to do his job as your father.

Do you need a husband or wife? Who would know best when and who you need? Of course, God would!! If God knows best when you need to be married, and he knows best who you need to marry, shouldn't you just claim the promise of Phillipians 4:19 that God will supply that need?
When it's time, God will give you who you need, when you need them. And trust me, he knows best. I believe that. I personally have asked God to pick me out a wife! I'm not smart enough to know how to do that, and so God is in charge of it. He is well able!!

If I believe that promise, why should I try to "help" God out by taking steps outside of his guidance? Why would I flirt with someone, knowing that God has a very special young lady that he has chosen for me? Why would you? Is God not able? If he is able, and he has not given you direction on it, then you should not be meddling; it is obviously not the right time!

The best part is, when God supplies, you know it was God! When my financial situation pans out just fine, I know who to thank! "Thank you, Lord, for your help!"
And when God puts his approval on Miss Wonderful and says, "Psst! She's it!" I'll know it's God's doing. Because, after all, isn't it he that supplies these needs?

It's as simple as this: Let God be God! Let God supply your needs! He's surely worth trusting.
(stolen from some person's blog)

Riddles

Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.


What a sad day.
Leaving.
Midnight football.
Darkness.
It's over

Good job Jeremy

I like bridges... alot alot. I dont know why.

I can run. I did it today!!

thanks

my blog: a place to rant, an outlet for emotional words and unlimited squirming opportunities where I would otherwise not express in the physical world.
I realise whenever I post stuff in a frequent manner, its due to both boredom and being emo charged.

so far, there hasnt been a string of posts, so that's really good.
It's really been that good.
This post isn't about any rants or complaints, nor will I throw anger or sadness in.

Its all about... gratitude
I haven't said told you how thankful I am to You for awhile, haven't I?

For all the joys
For my job and a totally unique experience in the army
For favor
For friends
For giving me the best boss ever
For the 8-5
For the chance to sleep on my own bed every night
For family
For material wealth
for everything

For the weekends
for the chance to freely express Christianity
For ALWAYS coming through for me
Thanks

For all the crap I have done,
for totally shortchanging you,
for sinning,
yet your love and favor still shines upon me.

Thank you so much

Regards
3SG Jeremy Neo
Ops Spec, NSC
HQ Guards
(work e-signature)

new hope community services

new hope? I got no hope, can you give me some hope?
-donator on the street

flag day was really fun, and meaningful. I felt tired, but happy. Really, I didnt expect much from it, just answered the call to help. It's hard not to respond to it, for me, that is.

back to life in mono... here it comes again. I can't wait for another break in june. I hope to be filled up, with meaning.

you fill up my senses, la la la la...

at Home...

but feeling so sick.
so many nights with no sleep... I feel absolute shit.

really really really really hate that man. He is pure evil. I wish he'd just die.
screw this whole week man.

------------



----------

lament

looking ahead, life seems a blur, an uncertain path, and it leaves me feeling... fearful. well, at times. I'm quite scared, when there's time to sit down and think, I feel fearful, always wondering, always reviewing: whether I'll make it through, whether everything will be ok. Weighing up all the possibilities, I scrutinize the various outcomes and calculate very closely the chances of the the best possible scenario happening. And then, I sweat over it, and pray for SALVATION... over the matter. Sometimes during these points, I wish I had a fast forward option, I could just glance ahead and know, ahhh, it turned out ok didn't it? Now why was I so fearful then. It was ok, all along, its always been fine...
can I just have some audible assurance... tell me right now, that everything will be ok.

if only...

[His ways are not our ways, but His way is always best]

however, there is much beauty in life that can be appreciated, if not for that fear stuck in my throat and guts, its very hampering. It is only when I am fearless once again, can life truly be lived.

hahaha, and YOU, what happened to temple building??

090409

One year on...

don't write me off just yet

1989

...kids... I used to think of them. Just a bunch of pple with such short thinking and narrow mindsets.

all just a bunch of kids I'm with...
yet, I've grown to actually like them- from my lil buddy and bro whom I actually cared and loved so much in bmt, to my fellow colleagues now in my branch. It's even amazing that out of us 4 specs, 3 are Christian... maybe He wanted to get me back on track, it was all going wrong.

for sure, army will bring out the worse in a person's character, and I've seen the worse in some, and they've prob also seen me bad. Christians fall, there aren't any saints. But at the end of the day, I hope I can grow to love the person more, and understand that it's the system that forces one to act in a way they would not usually act.

I've got a great boss.

one of them had asked me before- don't you feel childish being among us? They see the degree as the separation point- you've been there done that. what else is there to achieve?
what else?
relationships.

maybe... just maybe, I may get something very valuable out of this stupid army time.
I may get friends, and people I actually know and love.

and no, I actually don't feel childish being amongst you all.
and, I actually find the wrestles, tussles, tau poks and fights in the office quite... exhilarating
and, finally, it's all good
cos I look your age too :)

But this is a place where I feel so far away. I can't deny that.
I've realised, that I'm not the knight, or zealot that I wished I was, or painted myself to be.
See, I've learnt. ;)

HE Never fails

The Call of Abram

¹ The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

² "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.

³ I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."

⁴ So Abram left, as the LORD had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. ⁵ He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.

⁶ Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. ⁷ The LORD appeared to Abram and said, "To your offspring I will give this land." So he built an altar there to the LORD, who had appeared to him.

⁸ From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the LORD and called on the name of the LORD. ⁹ Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.

-------------

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things (Philippians 4:6-8 NKJV).

----

pierced by the things that may happen tomorrow, scared of the future.
'Will I make it out alive??'
I am always fearful.

But creator God has never failed me. I look back and see so many promises, desires fulfilled, blessings bestowed... why would He ever fail? He has promised assurance. Yet sometimes this assurance can always be clouded out, when drowned into the circumstances, hassles and worries of the world.

smite

it prob means nothing, how can my pain be compared to many others out there who'er REALLY suffering. mine is nothing compared to theirs, it prob isn't classified as pain on their terms. its really nothing i count for nothing. Laugh it off man, its not even pain. no sweat.

todayIfell

...first sign of fever after 1.5+ yrs
does depression, sadness and negativity cause the physical mind to be sick? question will and resolve.

"You'er... Ho Kua Bo Ho Jia"
-Dad
SO TRUE

what is my point

...and so ensues the ongoing lament

why do I exist

people base their value on their assets, their jobs, their financial muscle, their looks, their charisma, their influence, their popularity, their god...
I know I know, God is my centre and I should find joy and contentment there

maybe its all head knowledge, because my heart is sin, whacked up and full of crap.
I deserve to just die.

sorry.

how can I even be of good, when I don't even believe in myself.

over a year on...

------

I am now updating this blog because a certain aunty says that its growing cobwebs. Well, not literally... so I guess its cyber cobwebs right? But ehhhh, arent all blogs 'webby' since they'er all on the world wide WEB. That means every WEBsite has a SPIDER in it! Oh no that's dangerous man- we should always have (cyber) insect repellents everytime we surf the interNET huh?

A Public Apology

SORRRRRRYYY!!!!!!!!

missionTrip2008

was the best.
the hardest part? going back to resume my life. Death? well, it'd have been glorious to have died during that time- a good end to life. But no, my life still continues, I still breath. Death would be an easy option. I guess there's still stuff I have to learn and work that I have yet to complete... Look around, and try to find beauty and light in a time where everything is unkind and depressing.

-----
"Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle." -God in bruce almighty.

guess there is always a little hero in all of us, waiting to rise up and do good, not for the sake of applause, but to fulfill our original nature of a God-image.

Too many times I've planned...

...To be much more than who I am

how come I am powerless?
how come work seems important and the person with work seems important. take a step back and I realize that it is all worthless to me. There is no joy.
validated, powerful, free, special. I know all that, but my feelings betray it.
I ain't worth it.

reach him...

he's 23
he's got a younger sister, aged 20, also mentally challenged
his mom's a cashier
his dad's a train operator
he lives in sengkang
he studied computing for 5 years at poly
he's into mobile phones and its functionality
he likes power rangers...

he has to mean something, even though we humans see no worth. screw worth.

somewhere in the middle...

..You'll find me

somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
somewhere between who I was and who You're making me

its all fun and games, but I will look back at this time knowing that I didn't stand up for what was right. In fact, I was part of the act. I picture his parents there, how will they feel if they see their poor son in such a situation. Yet, nothing within me musters enough courage or passion to stand up and fight. I only can reflect on what has happened and know that I didn't do anything.
helpless- I just can't do it, not the right person. coward
I take it all back. heroism is dead. I ain't alive anymore

happy Birthday- 15 Oct 2008

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

It’s only the air you took...

and the breath you left.
accept it, you mean nothing significant anymore. ACCEPT IT.

tired..

battered fighter

really am.

faith(ful)(tan)... to the little things

(1) pertains to traits like being loyal and steadfast
(2) a good friend and fellow bowling buddy ;)
hahahaha, ok joking faith, sorry for using your name in vain.

the past few weeks in the army has all been about the mundane, the dull, and the activities we call 'sai kang', i.e, just the stuff that you totally do not wish to do- with every fiber of your body. There's no way to arouse sensations of enthusiasms to such activities like moving rubbish, carry un-ergonomical objects, heavy loads, doing sentry, fake VIP, wardens, guard, hot sun, sweaty stuff... if you are truly able to feel glad in these things then you'er an unnatural human being and should go out more often to see that the world has much more beauty than that.

but having that said, with these activities, you'll also meet the shirkers- the ones who just run from them. When it comes to having to carry a table/box/chair, stuff happens. Suddenly, their backs start rumbling up and they feel a degeneration in their spine [Hours later, I'll suddenly see these dudes in the gym struting their muscles with perfect backs and biceps]. How I always curse you guys in my mind and with my words ever so often. I wished you died on the spot and... sorry.

sai kang down to me again. OH I complain about the task. OH how it really really sucks to do this all day/week/month. utterly mindless. But in the midst of the useless/meaningless hours, I realise another paradigm view from all these activities. A very clear message that speaks into my conscience: be faithful in these little things, because if you aren't able to be faithful in these, your character will not allow you to take on any other heavier responsibilities other than having to tie your shoe every morning. Listen jeremy, I know its really tough, but you gotta see it always from a bigger picture. remember?
-I shall not be validated from an earthly system! I will become even more undignified than this! It's time to once again, put words into practice.

night falls... another mindless week awaits me. the days diminish my spirit, my being draws close to sin and my mouth develops poison again. sustain me.

---
welcome Am(elin) to my blog, its great to hear from you! I'm so glad that you somehow managed to find encouragement in my words, that itself encourages me too! How's my favorite expert chef in Melbourne doing these days man? ;) I def did not forget about our times in Sydney too, in fact I was reminiscing those days with Winston just a couple of weeks back when I managed to meet up with him. He sends his regards.

today I feel like I'm just one mistake away...

...from You leaving me this way
---

true strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. So long as you think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for?

to do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do—to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst—is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed. (The Sacred Journey)

where a man's wound is that is where his genius will be
-John Eldredge

sanctuary

---
last week was super good, I got to go out with dora, uncle anthony and lala to celebrate their birthdays. Even managed to see avonne off thanks to one fast driving john chee in a subaru.

my soul now to stand

now this blog is starting to become muddled with one liner posts and small chunks of sentences that seem to speak in riddle. maybe that's a reflection of my internal state right now- chaos. The past few days have been super (and that's as good a word I can muster), since I've spammed all of my 'off in-lieus' at one go to create such a blissful weekend.
during this time, I got a chance to see all the people I've known and loved and actually spend time to talk to them, loosen up. Awesome stuff.

miss you Bell, I know you'll read this and I just replied your email so don't scold me the next time we chat online, which will be really soon yah. Final year sux but hey man, look at the past 2 years- you've come so far already :D
miss you Matt (ma-te-uuu accordin to chinese tutor language), glad you 'rediscovered my blog and maybe you'd read this again some time. Singapore flyer was an awesome time together with Sam and Joel. Truly a time off to see Singapore from a perspective again that's beautiful, and i didnt just mean the view...

real Christians, real People [quote learned from Campus Crusade, Metamorphosis 2007]
there's no such thing as a conversation in real life that's like that of the movies and there'll always be the imperfections in relationships. And there are in fact many people or Christians who are trying to live that on-screen style perfect life, where everything is always perfect, the happiness is always high, the mood is always good, the grass is always green, pitch perfect, clean language, non-smoking zones, doing church week in week out. Anything less then that is regarded with disdain. But is that what it really means to live life? Look around you and you'll see so many people who are really, broken. Where do they stand? If you want to keep that perfect life, where will these people get their help from? Be real.

----
Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the most faint and mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. ... He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. ... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there, He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
- The Screwtape Letters, by C.S Lewis

numb

I don't know me anymore...
why do I feel so meaningless? what have I become- rewired to fear and submission
no joy, just bleakness.

one deep breath, as I continue the plunge.
descend...

why do I feel nothing anymore

let my honor be upheld through these times
no lies...

my best

The time that I have left
is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet, Lord
It's less than You deserve
And though I've little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave Your life for me
So, I will live my life for You

I haven't seen her in ages, she took so good care of me before.
but today when I saw her, I couldn't even remember her name. We talked briefly and caught up for awhile.
before she left, her embrace said it all. I felt total warmth and that love she always gives.

on this island I promise to build Your temple...

...was it good enough?

I will learn from this

Regina Spektor - The Call


this song springs up at the last part of Narnia and is also the best part of the movie- why? because it shows the 4 kids having to leave... forsake a life of greatness and kingship, to accept going back into a world where they are lowly, to accept going back into a life of drudgery again- From kings to a mere highschool students. It is a big fall.
yet, they still do it, after talking to the lion. Isn't it what gave them the conviction to go back? The talk with Jesus, as He tells you that it is best to step off that great life that you're living and so comfortable with, where everything is for you... to step off and take the plunge into that unknown passageway that leads into a life that's not very appealing.
I have to plunge into something I dread. But He knows what is best.

walking into a rich house, seeing the sports cars and the many, many other well-priced cars... they could build so many churches with those things! They could've used it for a greater, far more worthwhile cause.

if i can't be a missionary, let me be a martyr
I will become even more undignified than this.

botak is temporary, handsome is forever...

the saying amongst the bald men who live on the island.

Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.
no matter what, I want to be able to say this confidently too.
...temple building is hard work.

tears

what have i done
they all hate me now...

how did it end up like this
to feel wrath from one is bad enough
but to feel the wrath of so many people
gut wrenching

how now?
how can a rejected person be used?

are You still with me

there is pleasure in watching pain

I have survived the jungles!! but this week holds another outfield visit- 3 days, 2 nights (sit test). Please keep this super unsoldier fella in prayer.

help me to to be a 'human being' rather than a 'human doing'- always trying to justify my worth with power and actions. It is only by your enabling that I will be able to do so and rise above it all. I have tried to hard to be a Christian, but have I been trying as hard to pursue and chase Your very heart at this point? Out of the wreckage I will rise. Inspired to live simply knowing that I'm held in Your love and that's all that matters.

will miss you loads...

struck down, not destroyed

pain. am currently limping. I have sprained my ankle from jumping off the ramp during soc. I need to be well before going outfield.
outfield outfield. this is it... 6 days in the jungles. God, when I go into the jungle, help to to be rambo.

on jacob's ladder I plant a cross

starting small...
I've managed to gather 3 other Christian bros within my platoon to form a lil prayer grp. Please pray that for us, that we'll be able to meet up to share, confide and keep each other strong in prayer as we draw close to God during a time where circumstances and emotions scream against Him.

the next 2 weeks are quite tiring and probably gonna be the toughest time yet- this week is live range (which may not sound that bad) and after that is 6 days out in the jungles (which sounds really bad). Please pray for me, for I am still dealing pretty badly with the HOT weather- My last outfield trip was a disaster cos I actually blacked out and had to be taken to rest. (honestly, that was the scariest moment in my army experience so far) I am going to need His strength and favor.
I know I know He won't fail me.
God will not allow you to go through something greater than what you can handle. My bro told me this, that if He has allowed you to go into the jungles, then surely, He has given you sufficient grace to get through it. I'm clinging onto Him.

now off I go again... If you're a civilian and reading this, please... send encouragements, send updates [on your civilian lives], send hope, send prayers, for I am in need of much uplifting. thanks.

when Jesus was on the cross, He lost everything, but Jesus was not lost.
let it be so, that whilst people scream for success, for the spotlight, for the intent of being seen, I'll do likewise. In everything I do, I stand for Him. I'll follow the Son. It is easy to write this, but how easy it is when one is at total fatigue, when every part of you is destroyed, when your mind and your actual body movements actually show a momentary lag... now then, let actions speak louder than words.

don't fail me now my lady

Psalm 34
1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

falling...

Falling is the first thing I feel.
Distant voices echo inside my head.
Their orders are clear,and yet all I can think about is the others.
Remiel
Uriel
Amitiel
Ithuriel
Raphael
Michael
Each one traveled the same path.
What was their fate?
What awaits me on the other side?
They have gone to a place where the light is cursed and darkness blinds the soul.
This is a place where even angels fear to tread.

Forgive me.

close my eyes...

remember no cries, just mental pictures of happy times.


the ascension to a higher plane...
3 months of dwelling there ...
blissfulness…
but it is now time to come down…
to step back into the valleys of life

the last 2 weeks...oh I should’ve already been in the army by then, but what a turnaround- despondency turned to joy as I had been given the chance to complete bible school properly. How I fought so hard just to get those last 14 days. You may ask… was it worthwhile?
most definitely!
I have experienced the 3 months in Full, and now, I go on to the next phase of life knowing God has blessed and built me during that time in preparation to move on. I will be fully equipped and ready for what He'll lead me to next.

------

where I go, no one will follow. I go it alone.
where I go seems all bleak and hazy, and no one will come with me
metaphorically, I feel like I’m plunging into an abyss.
With eyes shut and my entire state being filled with fear and uncertainly, I take the jump, hoping that He’ll catch me when I fall, because at this point, I don’t know how else I will be delivered.
filled with frailties and negativity, I’ll jump, placing trust in strength and optimism that is not from me.
where I go, you don’t follow.

If I be broken, let your prayers engulf me.

eternity

oh its been so long.
my last post was meant to give glory to God for my exam results. I think I have failed to glorify Him as much as I could have, shortchanging what He's given me in the process. What an ungrateful being I can sometimes be... shouldn't I have been so compelled to just shout for joy and praise God in worship. He deserved so much more.

snippets of thoughts a couple of days of arrival back home:
hi, its me. i'm back in SIN. am I ready for the next phase of life? mentally, I doubt it. There is the little part of my mind, just somehow creating a wild hope, a little spark that does not refuse to carry on. As if I'm still a student, telling my entire self that, i'd still somehow return to melbourne. that part of me is strong... it manifests itself in my habits, like im still refusing to unpack my stuff, as if i'd only be around for a little while, before flying off again.
the silent depression and tears in my heart. only that no one knows how i feel. All the sighs when i'm moving around. no, it doesnt mean that i'm sad to be around family and friends, but i just really miss my previous life. A resident alien? i have grown accustomed to both the lands. Mastery of cross culture. both have become my homegrounds. I have to choose... do i already know my choice?

Goodbye,
SIGH
i look ahead once again towards a new phase in life, and honestly, I feel so afraid and uncertain.... but faith does not go by feelings. and that the important thing is who i am in God, and not what i will become
currently, feelings... overwhelmed
friends... miss them so much
future... bleak
weather... not helping

give me the strength to soldier on...
I know his blessings have been upon me, it always has. I am aware of it all the time... let my expression manifest it

....
its been so many 3 mths already. How time flies.
God is amazing

thank you God!

I give the glory back to You

this time Jesus ...

...how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through between the altar and the door

how come the sudden interest? I was never in your group anyway. Where did the kindness come from? You used to scorn people like me. You actually treat people like dirt. I remember my friends, you weren't one of them.

pain...

“True love is when you have to watch a friend leave, with the knowledge that you might never see him again. But you know he'll be in your mind and heart forever.”

Bell, I miss you

break my heart for what breaks yours...

everything I am for your kingdom's cause

I wish... that time would just stand still, that everything remains as it is, just for now. stay. stay the same and let nothing change.
its ironic isn't it, I'm suffering at this very instance, yet I don't want time to go on.

on a more practical sense, I guess I do need more hours to study.

worries worries worries. 'I guess I'm a worrier, that's why my friends call me whiskers...'
am I alright? what will happen? will it work out? will I pass? success? are my needs met? is there love? and joy? is the best behind me? do I go it alone...?
I'm not feeling it. rise me above the storm, above life, where I can see from a holistic picture. just to know...
but is there any good in knowing?

did I really mean it when I wrote first line...
it all seems so contradictory.
I have professed so much in words, but have my actions backed them up? or is it just a case of not doing what you preach.

exam routines are great: breakfast at lunch and dinner at supper. sleep is weird. breaks are frequent. thoughts go haywire.
Praise Him.

let this post be an oct one

so ends uni and my final semester.
I wanted to write about what's been happening lately... and the events of october but unfortunately, the exams have arrived and I was too lazy prior to that to update the post. bugger.
Now, I write this in a state of tiredness and my mind refuses to remember anything eventful at all... not that my life hasnt been eventful, its been fantastic so far. Lovin it.
I guess I'm kindda sad at the revelation of a one final departure from Melbourne. I hate to say this, but this place has also become home to me. I mean, I literally grew through my entire youth here, from 16 to 22. Its become familiar, and the future... seems uncertain- What I do not know, I fear. Coming and going as an international student used to be really fearful, as one has to cope with changes and new experiences all the time. I used to be really really scared of that. Now, I'm leaving that stage, and moving on.
ayy. just as I've grown accustomed to taking on the persona of an international student, it is now time to move on. God's bringing me forward once again, to another uncharted chapter of life. But I know deep down, I am so much stronger than I used to be. The battle is all in the mind.
I feel so sad leaving friends here, especially my my brothers and sisters at church. Why God? why did you allow people to come into my life, only to separate and take them out of my life again. I love them God... deep down I already know the solution- He holds the answers.

love the pair of running shoes they bought for me. Its so sentimental now. In it, holds the power of my friends. I see their love. I see their investment in me. The power of my shoe will spur me on when I run. The power of my friends.

as I write this, it is the 11th of Nov. I've got 2 more papers this coming thurs and fri. I am Least prepared for those, as I've put so much effort into the first 2. scared and stressed. Just praying for divine intervention and blessings.

how come I don't feel at all excited about going home? (Lav, I know you're gonna hit me for saying that) How come I see the future and it looks so hazy. How come the outlook is so bleak. That was not what I had in mind when I first set off to study. The mindset has changed: what happened to the plan of just 'hanging in there' and holding out for the nxt couple of years for the sake of education? It's not like that anymore. I saw so much promise in home. where is that promise...
be positive.

1

didnt want to see her go
but it had to happen
but it shouldnt even be happening.
I am doing something so wrong.

rescue oh Lord, to think less of me, and more of You.

Search my O God and know my heart
Try me, and know my anxieties
And see if there is any wicked way in me
And lead me in the way everlasting

help me to worship and love you God, even if every ounce of my flash refuses to
I offer devotion. restore passion, restore my mind, to be compelled to reach out for you

stone

sorry for being passionless. please help me in my life.
I'm held by You, only You. Nothing in this world is secure.

till I see you face to face and grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you

need running shoes!
it might help me remember how to run
I can't run.

reminiscing great times

I wanna go for another awesome Hillsong conference!!!!

Tuesday (video blog):


Wednesday (video blog):


Friday (whole conference highlight):


Chris Tomlin's 'How great is our God' after Louie Giglio's sermon: